jokes bad or otherwise.

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "No thanks"
he says. "It's this Viagra,it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.Again he declines.
"No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to
eat,Once more, he declines. "No thanks, this Viagra. It's really taken
the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind
getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
 
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned
and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they
are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed
as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted. The
second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell
letter to his family. This request is granted.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a fork. So he
begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
 
If your wife and mother-in-law were drowning and you had to choose, would you go for a meal or go to the cinema?
 
Two women were arguing about which of their dogs was the smartest. “My dog is so smart,” the first woman said, “every morning he waits for the paperboy to arrive, and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me in bed.” The second woman replied, “I know. My dog told me.”
 
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Last night the local peeping-tom knocked on my mother-in-laws' door, and asked her to shut her blinds.
 
A man needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife to the DIY store.His wife saw a teapot on a shelf and asked how much it was. She was told "That's silver, it's £100."
"That's expensive" she said. She then asked for the hinge , the shop assistant went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom he yelled "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which the wife replied,"No, but I will for the teapot."
 
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
 
Why do people keep running over a bit of string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
 
Future aircraft will be piloted by a man and a dog. The man is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the controls
 
A boy goes into a shop, grabs a box of tampons and goes to pay.The
cashier asks, "Are these for your mum?"
"No," says the boy, "not my mum."
The cashier says, "They must be for your sister then?"
"No," says the boy, "not for my sister,either."
The cashier is now curious, "Then who are they for?"
The boy says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you
wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and he can't do either."
 
Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees
a funeral procession crossing the bridge.He stands up,takes off his
cap,and bows his head.
The other man says,"That was touching. I didn't know you had it in
you."
The first man says, "Well, it seemed the right thing to do, I was
married to her for 40 years."
 
A Woman can change her mind at any given point in time. A Man must never change his mind without express written consent from the Woman.
 
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - alcohol in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a
...ride!!"
 
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