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A man goes to the Doctor. He said "Doc every time I attempt to pass water it hurts" "Does it burn?" asks the Doctor "I don't know, I've never tried to set fire to it"

You keep fighting big man. I will pray for yo. Oh and by the way,a challenge.First of us to go is a cissy.

I've got a hole in my pocket, no change there then.

Don't argue with a florisr over whether to use roses or tulips etc in a bouquet They are usually friendly people, but aren't afraid of resorting to violets

Do you get a courtesy dog if you have pet insurance and yours is in the vets?

When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. The pain is only for others. It's the same thing when you are stupid.

I went to the library and asked for a book about tortoises. "It's over there," said the Librarian, "In the Hard Back section."

If I had a quid for every time somebody told me to grow up, I could build an awesome tree house.

If you have a lisp, don't expect to be taken seriously when you tell people you are an assassin.

"Let people know where you're going" my driving examiner said as we approached a roundabout. "OK" I replied, as I quickly updated my Facebook status.

A researcher asked me how old I was on my last birthday, "I don't know, " I said, " I haven't died yet. "

Well,I got the result of my CT scan today and the cancer is slow growing so I've still got time to drive you crackers with my 'jokes'. To everybody who prayed for me,sent me love and good wishes and kept fingers crossed,it's your fault. Thank you x

A policeman stopped me today. As I stepped out of the car he said, "Sir, what did the big sign say back there?" "Children, Slow Down." I replied. "So why didn't you?" he asked. I said, "Because I'm 32."

On our wedding anniversary I bought my wife a litre of engine oil and a token for a premium car wash. She hated the flowers I got from the petrol station last year so this year I decided to get her something useful.

You have 5 days to teach my children mathematics. Make them count.

I can't believe how stupid sardines are. They lock themselves in tins and then leave the key on the outside.

My doctor told me that exercising can add years to your life. It really works. I jogged one mile today and now I feel like I'm eighty years old.

My mate said to his wife, "The woman next door thinks I have charisma." She replied, "Didn't you tell her you sold that months ago and bought a Ford Mondeo?"

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street. The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of an hallucinogenic nature, Sir."

The longest diet I've ever been on was a fifteen minute walk to the chippy