jokes bad or otherwise.

Occasionally, Flight Attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have allegedly been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying British Airways. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Heathrow , a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Ryanair !

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or wives "

Heard on Easyjet just after a very hard landing in Alicante, The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what you are all thinking but I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the Tarmac!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated until Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Gatwick , the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
 
captain clutterbuck said:
Occasionally, Flight Attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have allegedly been heard or reported:




Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated until Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Must have been a QANTAS flight. :D;)
Click to expand...
 
Years ago, I read about a flight attendant announcing after a particularly bouncy landing, "If you compliment the captain on the landing, be sure to specify which one."
 
A man is on Who wants to be a Millionaire and Clarkson is asking him the final question to win the million pounds . He has used his ask the audience and 50 -50 lifelines leaving phone a friend.

The final question is " What birds lays its eggs in another birds nest? " and the choices are

a] The Eagle
b] The blackbird
c] The Cuckoo
d] The Starling

The Man doesn't know so opts to use his phone a friend who is Mandy from Essex a blonde hairdresser by profession. The Man asks the question , you can hear the cogs in her brain whirring but she finally answers c] Cuckoo 100 percent sure.

With no choice the man accepts and wins the million . Astonished Clarkson asks Mandy how the hell she knew the answer . "Simple " Mandy replies " Everyone knows that Cuckoos don't build nests they live in clocks"
 
A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. The Bible had belonged to his grandmother. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages. "Mum , look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's Wedding suit but I can't find Eve's dress !!!!!"
 
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs Romano became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled around and slapped Mr.Romano on the face, 'That will teach you to pinch my bottom!'

Bewildered, Mr. Romano was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, 'I . . . I didn't pinch that girl.' 'Of course you didn't,' replied his wife, consolingly. 'but I did!'
 
A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the street, but don't worry another dog is pushing her home."
 
A man who had spent his whole life in the desert is on his way to meet a friend who lives in the city. He has never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the Railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks and sustains some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's finally at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the man, "What the Hell you doing to the kettle??"

The man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're little ."
 
Why do Man City score a lot of goals in the second half ?...……………...It's because they get a Pep talk at half time! .:08:
 
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first American football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was… ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like ……

What the Hell? It’s only 25 cents!!!!”
 
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
 
Our parish priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed.

It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the gender of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service.

Thinking quickly, as he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated, he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"

"Cousin," she replied.
 
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