jokes bad or otherwise.

barmpot

Well-Known Member
The thirsty man asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The woman replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your outfit."

The man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"Okay, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice person I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The dehydrated soul thanked the woman and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later he returned crawling back to where the woman was still sitting behind her card table.

She said "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The man rasped, "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt?"

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break?"

"My sister's arm."
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
A traveller got to the airline counter and presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
Customer: "Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?"

Manager: "No, we already have all the staff we need."

Customer: "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario says, "Is that all you've got? Bird impressions?"
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.

As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."

"Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting. Suddenly he asked, "What is the biggest number in the world?"

As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, "Dad, what number comes just before infinity?"
 

onyx(John)

Super Moderator
Staff member
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs
are all gone.
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you’re doing. For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.
This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload. Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Siobhàn.
 
Satan and Jesus square up to each other arguing that each is the most IT literate so God decides to settle this by having them write a program within the hour and the most impressive will be declared the winner . Satan an Jesus start hammering away on the keys but after 58 minutes a huge bolt of lightning strikes and takes out the power . Two minutes later God calls a halt to the content and asks Satan what he is created . Satan is distraught " Absolutely nothing , when the power went I lost everything ." God turns to Jesus and asks what he has , Jesus hits the run program command and teh screen is awash with celestial swirls of colour and beautiful choral music comes out of the speakers and so God declares Jesus the winner.

Satan is puzzled how it happened and asks God how Jesus managed to produce that output when he lost his when the power went to which God replies " Everyone knows Jesus Saves !! " :eek::fp:
 
I was in the forest walking for a long time with tree limbs slapping my face and exposed roots tripping me. I was lost and dirty and my clothes were torn. Then I spotted a flagpole in a green clearing with people. I have got to improve my golf game.
 
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