jokes bad or otherwise.

Went to the funeral this morning of a neighbour killed watching a tennis match. It was a great service!! ;) ::)
 
I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today.
"But it's sunny outside," he said.
"Exactly," I replied cracking open a beer.
 
I was talking to a big lass with huge boobs last night.
"My eyes are up here..." I said as she looked down at the kebab in my hand.
 
This was comedian Jimmy Cricket's Facebook status this morning'

"They say its been the wettest June since records began.Definately. I've got some old
78's at home and they're still damp."

I love daft.
 
The instructions on my insect killer:
'Do Not Spray Near The Eyes'
Yeah,I don't want to blind it.I,just want to kill it.
 
My wife was talking to me for about 5 minutes, then she said, "You won't tell anyone will you?"
"Your secret is safe with me," I replied.
"You sure about that?"
"Yes," I said, "because I wasn't listening."
 
A man phone's his blonde wife, ''I'm near home love, put the kettle on?''
After a pause, he said, ''Hello, you still there?''
''Yeah,'' she replied, ''but I don't think the kettle wants to talk right now.''
 
When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said.

"I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room.

But poor Mom is still in with Dad."
 
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
 
The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season.

Apparently it doesn't work with goal posts made from jumpers.
 
Breaking News: British Troops threaten to strike over cuts announced today. The Government have said that Fuel Tanker drivers and Fire Fighters will be trained to replace soldiers on the front line......
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top