Favourite Arkwright selling ruses

  • Thread starter Thread starter captain clutterbuck
  • Start date Start date
C

captain clutterbuck

Guest
Arkwright like Auntie has many cunning plans and subterfuges to sell things to customers and I wondered which were the most memorable to you . As a start I will offer up the black lead which he tells the Customers [one of them is Chuffer an the other is Biff Hemingway in our beloved show ] that it restores hair . I love the line from Chuffer when he says that when he bends over his wife thinks he looks like a cannon.
 
Love the interaction with Cyril especially the one with sign free gift with every purchase and Cyril selects the sweets only to be told that the free gift is a paper bag to put the sweets in which he is outraged with . Arkwright concedes but I think manages to sell him a hand mirror to check the flecks in his eyes so Cyril would be able to keep it from his wife and do it privately.
 
The episode with the Victor Vac salesman is a real favourite. After coming out of the shop having had a second failed attempt to sell another Victor Vac product, again adorned by another box of groceries, he gives this wonderfully funny speech to a little boy who is perched outside the shop.

It is along the lines of " Why bother ! I am up at five, shaved, suited , armed with diplomas in selling. I am a top salesman of the Victor Vac company. I've won awards for selling and then you meet a rock hard pillock like him " followed by him banging his head on the van , the little boy giggles away . It is just wonderful writing and acting.
 
After the ruse of the pick and mix bag with Cyril, Arkwright says " He comes in here groggy with sleep " "Who ?" "You have bloodshot eyes they look like stewed Rhubarb , here take a look" [he hands Cyril a picket mirror] Cyril has passed him a Note to pay for the sweets Arkwright gives him loose change " Don't worry I've taken the 49p for the Mirror" " You What!!" " Can I help it Cyril if you are too late fro the January Sales!"
 
To shift his fig biscuits after hearing gossip from Mrs Blewitt[our very own Nora] about woman in the street and her fancy man he tells her he knew the lady was like that and it was bound to happen because anyone who had a clean reputation and was held up as a pillar of virtue would always buy Fig Biscuits and the lady in question never did. Forcing her to show she was virtuous , Mrs Blewitt smilingly asks for a packet . :)
 
Granville I want a w-w-word with you . That's three words! That girl at Grimshaws . Who big Edna ? Have you been kn-kn-knocking off . No I anly admired her from a distance . Will you let me finish have you been knocking coppers of her grocery bill? You do the same for Mrs Featherstone . Yes but not without putting them back somewhere else !!
 
The black lead caper
Arkwright: You're ignoring the benefits , The Asians invented sensuality the Kama Sutra
Customer:- I suppose you will be selling us a bottle of that next
Arkwright : You don't bottle that I'm talking about the Indian ladies , the sultanas
Customer : He is trying to sell us something
Arkwright: Not the so much a pound sultana the luscious plump Sultana's
Customer: They're Raisins!!!
Arkwright: Well there you go then

It regularly gets repeated on Gold and though it is of its time I am not sure they could make this episode today because the content is so controversial.
 
Speaking of sultanas, here across the Pond, there is the issue of the current. Currents, as found in Merry Old England, are banned over here.. So sultanas are sold and called currents but actually they are not true currents. It's something to do with the fact that if currents were allowed to be grown, and if the genes were to mingle with another bush or vine; then that bush or vine which is very significant to the agriculture community would be changed. That's a very non-scientific explanation.
 
The guy who comes in asking to be given directions to Abercorn Street . " Give ??? well we are allowed to charge for directions under the rules but you could make a token purchase and then you get the directions for free!" Next shot you see the businessman holding a garden hoe :)
 
More a buying ruse

Arkwright:- Gr-Gr-Granville don't touch those buns , once you touch them you've accepted delivery of them.
Granville: Never touched them
Arkwright consoling arm around Bert the delivery man's shoulder as he leads him out the shop:- Well Bert I don't know what you are going to do with those dirty buns that have been rolling around our floor , Granville pick up our buns
Granville:- But they aren't our buns
Arkwright:- But they will be in a minute you Barmpot
 
Customer: I think you are a marvel Mr Arkwright selling me these cigarettes.
Arkwright: They're new you'll likely prefer them to you normal brand
Customer: I don't have a normal brand Mr Arkwright
Arkwright: You can enjoy these with impunity they are low tar.
Customer: I don't smoke Mr Arkwright
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top