Episode Bio's from Rod Tickner

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cornishman

Kernow Hermit
Staff member
Special: A LEG UP FOR CHRISTMAS.
The day begins for our trio at the cafe where Foggy reminisces about an old girlfriend he used to have at Catterick Barracks. her name was Gillian and she was in the ATS. Going for a walk through the town they come across Howard who is feeling depressed, so they take him to the pub for a drink. Whilst there he tells them that he feels inadequate after watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger film -or as Compo calls him Arnold Schwarz'n'vinegar. Meanwhile, at Auntie Wainwright's, Smiler is having to test drive a very large motorbike that she has bought, but when he doesn't return she calls the police. A constable comes round to investigate but she ends up selling him a stuffed white owl for £17 .5Op. Foggy now decides to build up Howard and first gets him jogging, then doing press-ups, but they have to wheel him back to the pub in a wheelbarrow.
Wesley is showing Glenda his latest vehicle .... he's bought himself a hearse. Back at training Howard tells Foggy that he used to be good at jumping over things at school and shows him by jumping over a wall. He lands on a chicken coop and breaks his leg. Stopping the first vehicle -which happens to be Wesley and his hearse they take Howard home. On the way they pass Smiler on the motorbike and when he sees Howard sit up in the back of the hearse he gets a shock and swerves off the road into a haystack. On Christmas Eve Howard is feeling even more depressed so Foggy suggests that to cheer him up they will invite him to Clegg's house for a drink and surprise him by inviting Marina as well.
The problem is how to get Marina past Pearl's without being seen, so Foggy's idea is to borrow Smiler's motorbike and leathers. Next he has Compo arriving at Clegg's on the motorbike whilst Pearl is there. Compo sneaks out the back and Marina dresses in the leathers so Pearl will think it is still Compo. Now the ladies turn up to wish Howard "A Merry Christmas" and to give him his presents -a nice, warm scarf, a pair of socks and some buns-so Compo and Marina have to swap clothes again. The ladies decide to stay and have a party at Clegg's house which leaves Marina sat on Clegg's roof where she is not alone when Santa turns up.

SERIES 18 -1996
10 programmes 1 special.
Special EXTRA! EXTRA!
There are strangers in the area today looking for directions. Unfortunately they first ask Clegg and then Eli. After a discussion about wrinkles, our trio come across_a_ film crew and inevitably get roped in as extras. At the cafe Pearl shows the ladies a device she has acquired to keep tabs on Howard. Its an electronic tag which she has attached to his bike, so off they a!I go to test it out. Back at the film set Compo [who is dressed as a Hussar] learns that he has to ride a horse, so he cycles off on Howard's bike, but is discovered in a barn by the ladies. Nora thinks he looks magnificent all dressed up, so he decides that he will ride the horse after all. Unfortunately it throws him off and he lands on the director who tells him that he wasn't meant to ride the horse, only to conduct the band and choir. About now Barry arrives on the film set on a scooter that Auntie Wainwright sold him, but it frightens the horse and causes it to bolt away with the film director sitting on it. Nora thinks that it is Compo on the horse so she's pleased to see that he's OK. Compo is shocked later to find that her stockings haven't a wrinkle.

1. THE LOVEMOBILE.
At Auntie Wainwright's Smiler gets conned into buying a tandem, so off he goes to try and re-sell it. After he meets Compo and gives him a lift on the back, they both end up in a hedge bottom when they crash. Foggy and Clegg turn up with Wesley in the landrover, collect Compo and drive off leaving Smiler, with his tandem. Up on the moors they meet Lance and Ethel [who are always arguing] and who run a dating agency. Their car has broken down so Wesley offers to help.Smiler arrives on his tandem and decides to give the dating agency a try, whereupon he ends up with Ethel who runs the agency. Wesley discovers that the alternator is not working so they all go to the scrapyard to get another one, calling for a drink on the way. Here they come across Barry who is depressed because he has to kiss Glenda in public. Back at the Lovemobile Lance finds that Ethel has come back to him because even she can't stand Smiler. Foggy now helps Barry by getting Compo to teach him how to kiss in public. Arriving back at Edie's he subsequently tries it out on Glenda and Compo tries it out on Nora.

2. A CLEAN SWEEP.
Clegg's day begins with himself and Howard looking at a spider, but Howard gets upset when he thinks it has gone inside his cap after Clegg puts Howard's cap on top of it. Outside the church the ladies are looking at a wedding when a man inside a plastic chimney comes past. He is a sweep and later meets up with our trio, get-ting them to help him onto the bridge parapet, as he intends to throw himself off it as he is depressed because everyone is going smokeless. Taking him to the cafe to cheer him up, the sweep tells them that he hires himself out for weddings, but Foggy says he needs to look more like a sweep -covered in soot and carrying sweep's brushes, so they're off to Auntie Wainwright's to buy some brushes. Find-ing an old house, the sweep tries his brushes up a chimney but they get stuck, so Compo has to go onto the roof to try to free them, but he gets covered in soot. However its not all bad because whilst walking back to town Compo earns himself a kiss and a tenn-ar from a bride in a Rolls Royce. [Note ... the bride in the Rolls is played by production assistant Christine Mellor.]

3. THE MYSTERIOUS C.W. NORTHROP.
Whilst putting out his rubbish Clegg comes across Smiler who asks his advice about love, telling him its for a 'friend' called C.W.Northrop. Compo, meanwhile, is outside Nora's standing on his head as he tells her he's having a midlife crisis. Back at Clegg's Howard calls round and Smiler tells them both that he's attracted to Ivy and has written to her using an alias [C.W.Northrop]. Meeting up with Clegg and Foggy, Compo tells them of his midlife crisis and that he is going to help Smiler with his love life. Seeing Ivy outside the cafe Smiler discovers that he's left the wrong note -he's left a dry cleaning note. Our trio accept a lift from Wesley who's delivering some furniture for Auntie Wainwright. Compo and.Clegg fall off the back of the landrover together with a coffee table which gets scratched. At the ladies coffee morning Ivy's note is the subject of discussion and they try to find the address of C.W.Northrop by looking in the phonebook. Thinking that he lives at Ambassador Gardens the ladies go to warn him off, but end up telling off a complete stranger and getting him into trouble with his wife. Finally, Compo, Clegg, Foggy and Wesley arrive at Auntie Wainwright's with the furniture, but she notices the scratched coffee table -even after they've painted it so she sells it on to Smiler.

4. A DOUBLE FOR HOWARD.
Howard makes an early morning call on Compo. After falling through Compo's door the pair make their way to the cafe where Howard tells him he's looking for some-one the same size as himself. After a rest on the hills our trio make their way to the cafe, but on the way they bump into Vernon Sedgewick, a magazine salesman. After a cup of tea they take him to Nora's to sell her subscriptions to his magazines. They tell him to call her by various nicknames, ending up with him being chased by a yardbrush. Howard, still looking for someone his size, calls to see Wesley who is underneath his car. Calling for a pint the trio still wonder what Howard is up to, and whilst at the pub they meet Vernon again. This time they take him to Auntie Wainwright's to sell his magazines. Whilst there they find Howard with a shop window dummy he's bought from Auntie. Howard tells the trio that he needs someone his size so that at a distance it will look like him, and when Pearl catches 'that someone' with Marina she will be embarrassed. They decide that Eli will fill the bill. They take Marina and Eli to where Pearl will catch them and all is going well until Eli mistakes a policeman for Marina and kisses him, leading to him being arrested. Finally, call-ing at the pub again, they meet Vernon Sedgewick -complete with a wheelbarrow full of rubbish which Auntie Wainwright has sold him.

5. HOW TO CREATE A MONSTER.
On his way back from the library Clegg is startled by Howard who wants to know if he can borrow his bicycle sometime as Pearl has confiscated his. Foggy, meanwhile, gets thrown out of the Adult Education Centre after asking one of the assist-ants if her father was ever a Japanese sniper. Our trio come across Smiler -who has got a job as a lollipop man but can't handle the children. To protect himself he is sold some gear [a suit of armour] by Auntie Wainwright. Foggy tells Compo and Clegg that he can train anybody to do anything, and starts with Clegg's fear of going into Auntie Wainwright's, but she ends up selling him two wardrobes. Foggy now turns his attentions to Smiler and they march him ‚off to a barn where he attacks a scarecrow. Having built up Smiler's confidence we see him kiss Marina, try to throttle Barry in his new car, and attack the trio with his lollipop.

6. DEVIATIONS WITH DAVENPORT.
Up on the hills our trio come across Davenport, a man who writes guide books, but Compo startles him whilst he is climbing a cliff. He now, unfortunately, accepts help from Foggy who says he knows the area like the back of his hand and, inevitably, they all get lost. Back at Edie's she is busy telling Wesley that the ladies need a lift, so he designs a trailer with revolving seats. Meanwhile, Foggy talks Davenport into climbing a tree in order to see the road, but the branch breaks and he falls. Wesley takes the ladies out on the trailer but they end up getting dizzy as the seats keep spinning round, so Edie makes Wesley stop to phone for a minibus. The trio and Davenport now find a farmhouse but are chased away by a dog. They then meet up with Howard and Marina and get a lift on their bicycles, but they end up in a ditch just as Wesley is passing, so he gives them a lift back into town on the trailer. They too end up getting dizzy. Finally, Compo gets stuck hanging upside down outside Nora's window on a rope ladder which he has borrowed from Smiler. Smiler is supposed to be ‚selling it for Auntie Wainwright.

7. ACCORDING TO THE PROPHET BICKERDYKE.
After tangling with Nora (who hits a complete stranger) Compo meets up with Foggy and Clegg. Whilst out walking the same stranger asks them the time and also if they can smell anything burning, as he believes the world is on fire. Wesley's day is made when Barry and Glenda turn up with their new car which is making a slight noise. Barry is apprehensive about letting Wesley tinker with it especially when he takes the engine out. At Auntie Wainwright's a customer who shows an interest in a grandfather clock manages to get out of the shop without buying anything, so Auntie gets Smiler to follow him to find out where he lives. Taking the stranger, who's called Gunnershaw, for a drink our trio are told about the prophet Bickerdyke, a man who used to work on the railway and just before he died he told Gunnershaw when the world would end. Auntie Wainwright goes off to see the man Smiler followed and blackmails him into buying the grandfather clock, saying she's seen him with an-other woman. Up on the hills again Gunnershaw tells the trio that Bickerdyke predicted the world would end on a wednesday at 17 minutes past 2 -which it just happens to be. They hear a loud banging noise and see smoke and think that the end of the world is nigh. They need not worry because the noise and smoke is from Barry's new car after Wesley has supposedly fixed it.

8. NEXT KISS PLEASE.
Howard, as usual, is confined to barracks so he needs a message delivered to Marina. After Clegg refuses he gets Eli to do it. After calling for a drink Compo bets Foggy that he can get Nora to kiss him, so off they go to her house. Compo cons his way into Nora's by telling her one of his ferrets has got in, but when he comes out bragging that she has kissed him Foggy doesn't believe him. As Foggy wants proof of 'the kiss' they go off to Auntie Wainwright's to hire a polaroid camera. Meanwhile, Eli is out looking for Marina but when he finds her he falls off his bike and ends up in a hedge bottom. Back at Nora's complete with camera and a sign Auntie Wainwright sold Clegg, Compo tries again for Nora's kiss. He writes on the back of Clegg's sign that he needs the kiss of life, but when the sign is turned the wrong way round Nora reads "Come in and browse without obligation". Compo now makes one final at-tempt dressed up in a suit and writing the message "smile you're on camera" on the sign. He tells Nora that she is being filmed by a TV camera for a kind neighbour programme which Compo has put her name down for. This, at last, earns him the kiss he's been trying for.

9. DESTINY AND SIX BANANAS.
Compo asks Nora to accompany him to the Citizen's Advice Bureau, but she finds that its all a ruse when he asks the assistant if living next door to Nora for 40 years constitutes a common-law relationship. Wesley is having trouble with an old engine and gets Barry (who's on his way to work) to help but he comes out of the shed all singed. The trio are out walking when a man runs up to them and claims that there are giant apes in the woods. This news puts Foggy in his element as a so-called jungle fighter. Wesley's next helper is Smiler but he ends up burning his finger, and when Eli goes past and sees smoke coming from the shed he throws a bucket of water at it, misses and soaks a man collecting butterflies. Compo and Clegg turn up at Auntie Wainwright's armed with 6 bananas and Foggy (dressed in a safari suit) arrives with Wesley in his all-terrain vehicle. In the woods Foggy explains how he is going to capture the apes using his blowpipe and a 'poison' dart dipped in Horlicks. Getting Compo, Clegg and Wesley to flush the apes out Foggy fires his dart and hits one of the 'apes' in the rear. The apes turn out to be Howard and Marina in black tracksuits.

10. A SIDECAR NAMED DESIRE.
After a chat with Nora from his bedroom window, Compo tries to impress her by wearing his yellow striped blazer, but it has no effect. Barry has to go to work on the bus after Wesley has tinkered with his new car. Clegg gets a surprise whilst reading his newspaper when a hole appears in his wall. This turns out to be Howard's way of attracting Clegg's attention. He tells Clegg that he's heard a rumour about Marina and the under-manager at the supermarket, and how she's had an offer of marriage. Discussing this with Compo and Foggy they meet Smiler, who is pushing a motorbike and sidecar that Auntie Wainwright has bought. They give him a hand in exchange for a lift, and whilst freewheeling down a hill they pass Edie, Glenda and Wesley in Barry's new car which Wesley is trying to mend again. Compo has an idea to use the motorbike and sidecar to take Nora out like her husband Wally used to do. Leaving Wesley to mend the. motorbike they meet Howard who is determined to find out about the rumours concerning Marina. When he does see her he asks her and is told that it wasn't an offer of marriage she had but the offer of a garage, as she has bought herself a little yellow convertible. Compo now tries the motorbike and not only gives Nora a lift but Ivy and Pearl too. Whilst they are out they see Howard and Marina in her car and give chase, but the motorbike goes out of control and eventually stops in a ditch which leads to Nora chasing Compo.
 

cornishman

Kernow Hermit
Staff member
SERIES 19 -1997 10 programmes 1 special
Special -THERE GOES THE GROOM.
Compo and Clegg are off to a stag night where they come across Truly, an old friend who has now retired from the police force. Because the groom Ronnie, Barry and Foggy have had too much to drink Truly rings Wesley and asks him for a lift. At Clegg's house Truly discusses his marriage to the 'former Mrs. Truelove' with Compo and Clegg. Glenda calls round at her mother's because Barry hasn't returned home, but Wesley tells her he is at Clegg's house along with Ronnie and Foggy. Next morn-ing Barry and Ronnie have hangovers and Ronnie remembers Truly's account of marriage, so that when Compo, Clegg and Truly get Barry home Ronnie changes his mind about getting married and flees from them in a milk float to his sister's house, where he takes a bicycle and cycles off onto the hills. Foggy, who is still the worse for wear from the stag night and was loaded into the back of the landrover at Clegg's house, is recognised by the postlady who offers to take him home with her. Smiler, meanwhile, is having a problem -he can't think what to buy for a wedding present, so off he goes to Auntie Wainwright's where she sells him a vase into which he gets his hand stuck. He goes to Wesley's to see if he has anything to remove it, which he has. It is some very sticky grease which makes the vase very difficult to put down. After a chase through the hills our trio finally catch up with Ronnie who has chained himself to a road sign. Not being able to unlock the chain they carry him and the sign into the back of the landrover, but end up being stopped by the police for stealing the road sign. Back at Barry and Glenda's house, Barry is in a panic because he can't find the wedding ring but eventually remembers giving it to Foggy for safekeeping. Off he goes to find Foggy, but as he's not at home he goes to Wesley's shed where our trio offer to help find Foggy. Arriving at the postlady's house a neighbour tells them that the postlady took Foggy away in her car, so when Barry gets home Glenda tells him that he will have to buy another ring. Having collected Ronnie from the police station, Truly handcuffs him to himself and they go to Compo's house to show Ronnie what a bachelor's place would look like, and in the hope of making him want to get married, but he ends up liking the place. Next, Truly tells Ronnie that they will go to the gypsy to tell his fortune and they. enlist the help of Marina as the gypsy. She tells. Ronnie that if he doesn't get married he will have bad luck the rest of his life, so he decides to get married after all. Ronnie borrows one of Clegg's old suits and be-cause it smells musty Barry sprays him with Glenda's perfume in the church. As the ceremony is about to begin Clegg gets a telephone call it's from Foggy and he has been kidnapped by the postlady and taken to Blackpool.

1.BEWARE OF THE OGLETHORPE.
Compo, Clegg and Truly start their day with a walk on the hills where the conversation turns to how many legs a centipede has. Calling at the cafe they find Nora (with NO wrinkles) and a very depressed man who they discover -after several questions-to be an old school friend called 'Coggy'. Wesley has invented another machine -a
heavy duty sucker/blower-but he needs somebody to test it. Glenda volunteers Barry but then changes her mind after several explosions. Wesley then uses Howard but he decides he'll be safer at home doing his housework. Wesley comes across our trio where Compo, not wanting to end up like 'Coggy', volunteers to help but wishes he hadn't when he gets blown down a hill while testing the machine.

2. TARZAN OF THE TOWPATH.
The trio go for a walk on the hills where Compo suggests they should roll down a steep hill like they did when they were 9 years old, but the inevitable happens so they make their way to the cafe to recover. Howard needs to get in touch with Marina so he gives a note to Barry to deliver to her, but Barry chickens out and asks Eli to take it. As usual he gets it wrong and gives the note to the wrong woman who thinks Howard fancies her when she finds him waiting round the back of the supermarket. Back at the cafe and still aching after the hill rolling, Ivy tells the trio about the Chinese way of curing bad backs getting somebody to walk on them. Compo gets Nora to walk on his back and frightens off two of Ivy's customers in the process. Later that day, sitting by the canal, Compo remembers when boats were pulled along by horses, so Truly gets Compo to pull Clegg and himself along in a boat using a length of rope. Now, because the note passing went wrong, Howard again asks Barry to deliver another note to Marina -which he does. Unfortunately he is seen with Marina by Edie who subsequently tells Glenda, so Barry has to explain that he went to the supermarket to buy a bicycle pump adaptor. Back at the towpath Compo is pulling Truly and Clegg along using a tricycle which they hired from Auntie Wainwright, but a problem arises when they come to a bridge. Compo pulls the boat along from on top of the bridge, but when the rope tightens it pulls him over the parapet and into the canal.

3.TRULY AND THE HOLE TRUTH.
Today Truly decides that he will get his face in the newspapers so he tells Compo and Clegg that he will try and rescue somebody. He starts with Howard whom he tries to knock off his ladder in order to catch him. Whilst out walking they come across a hole in the road and Truly thinks a workman may have fallen down it, but when he leans over the hole to have a look he falls down it himself. Compo has asked Auntie Wainwright to call at his house to see if she wants to buy anything, but all she buys is an egg cup. Whilst searching Compo comes across an old life jacket which gives Truly the idea of rescuing someone from the river. Meanwhile, Barry has been helping Wesley to fix a barmaid's car, and in appreciation she gives him a big kiss but they are seen by Glenda. Back at the riverside our trio see a dog running about and Truly says he will rescue it when it goes in the water. To make sure the newspapers hear about it he telephones them anonymously, but whilst trying to catch the dog Truly falls into the river and ends up being rescued himself by Howard and Marina who are there fishing.

4.OH HOWARD, WE SHOULD GET ONE OF THOSE.
Wesley is entering the Smedley Mad Machine Competition and is keeping it a secret. He's even got a guard dog which Barry discovers when he tries to deliver Wesley's breakfast. Our trio call at the cafe to discover that it is closed and they see Ivy and Nora leaving carrying bun tins. Wanting to know where they are going they follow them to Edie's where they see all the ladies leaving in Edie's car, so they !]EL-. Barry to follow in his car. Up on the hills the ladies get stuck in a ditch (due to Edie's driving) but help is at hand when our trio -and Barry-catch up with them. When the ladies have left Wesley drives past, and wondering what he is entering in the Smedley Fair they follow hinito discover that he's invented a motorised bed. Leaving Granny Bassenthwaite's -where the ladies have taken their buns-they swerve to miss Eli and end up in a ditch again. Whilst climbing out of the car Nora hurts her foot, so Compo gives her a lift home on the motorised bed.

5. THE SUIT THAT ATIRACTS BLONDES.
Wesley has a problem. He has to buy Edie a present to replace the screwdriver set he bought her for Christmas. Wondering what to get her he first asks Pearl and then calls at Auntie Wainwright's where she sells him a dolly tub. Compo again realises he is not getting anywhere with Nora and decides to look for one of his old girlfriends called Phoebe Smethers. Whilst at the cafe Compo buys an old suit which was intended for the jumble sale and which used ta belong-to Barry before be was married, so Glenda never liked it because he wore it when he dated a girl with blonde hair. Calling at Phoebe's house Compo ends up with the door being slammed in his face, so he decides to look for another old girlfriend Babs When they meet she is all over him so Compo flees from her. Howard has discovered a way of meeting Marina in broad daylight by disguising himself as a woman, complete with blonde wig. This gives Compo an idea of how to make Nora jealous. He walks around the jumble sale with Howard (as a woman) on his arm, but Pearl recognises him so Compo has to return to the full frontal approach, but ends up being chased by Nora.

6. THE ONLY DIESEL SAXOPHONE IN CAPTIVITY.
Compo has received some startling news. An old rival from his schooldays is calling to see Nora. Whilst at the cafe Compo learns from Ivy that the rival in question is 'Goatie' Hellewell. He is calling to see Nora with regard to her joining the church cleaning team. Now Compo decides he has to challenge 'Goatie' like he used to do at school, and where he always lost. First they run around the block, but this ends in a draw. Meanwhile, Barry is passing Auntie Wainwright's shop where he sees a saxophone in the window and she tempts him inside and sells it to him. The carrying case she finds to sell him is in the shape of a cuddly ostrich which he hides under his coat, but the legs keep sticking out. The sight of the cuddly ostrich gives Wesley the mistaken idea that he may be going to be a granddad, so he goes off to build a trolley-a go-kart-for his grandchild. The next of Compo's challenges with 'Goatie' is tree climbing, but they end up having to be rescued by the fire brigade. The final challenge is trolley racing but swerve off the road into a field when they think there is a lorry coming, but it turns out to be Barry practising his saxophone. The trolley is useful later on when Compo gives Marina a lift after she has seen 'Goa:tie' and remembered that Mrs. Hellewell caught her under the mistletoe with him in June!

7. PERFECTION -THY NAME IS RIDLEY.
Who is Mr. Ridley? -That is the big question today. All the ladies are going off to clean for him, and even Howard has been volunteered to take him for a bicycle ride. Calling round to Wesley's our trio find Barry all upset because Edie has borrowed his car to take the ladies to Mr. Ridley's house because her car is not working. After Edie's car is fixed -by Compo-they go off to the pub where Auntie Wainwright arrives with Eli who is wheeling a wardrobe for her. Howard. now arrives with Mr. Ridley and Compo introduces him to Marina. When the ladies arrive after their clean-ing duties they witness Mr. Ridley and Marina dancing on a table outside the pub.

8. NOWHERE PARTICULAR.
Howard has bought a van but he wants to keep it a secret -no such luck! After Compo has conned Nora into believing he has a dog in order to get a kiss from her, it's off to the cafe where Truly and Clegg arrive all dressed up as Truly is taking Clegg to the Town Hall to sort out his Council Tax. Wondering what to do with him-self Compo first calls on Nora again, but ends up being clouted with her brush. He then sees Barry cleaning his car which ends up being covered in feathers when Compo finds an old torn pillow. He then goes on to help Smiler who is delivering things for Auntie Wainwright on a handcart, but he manages to wreck most of it. Leaving Smiler to sort out the mess Compo arrives at Wesley's shed just as he is about to test Howard's van, so he jumps in the back. Along the way they pick up Marina surprise! surprise! and she has to sit on Compo's knee. When the van goes up a steep hill he and Marina fly out of the back sitting in the chair which runs away with them, coming to rest at the bottom of the hill next to Truly and Clegg.

9. FROM AUDREY NASH TO THE WIDOW DILHOOLEY.
Nora has a visitor calling which gets Compo wondering who it will be. Calling to see Marina at the back of the supermarket, Howard discovers that she has been writing. to another man. At the cafe Compo discovers the identity of Nora's visitor -the widow Dilhooley who used to be Audrey Nash. This sets Truly remembering that he once danced with Audrey Nash years ago and he decides that he'll do it again when she arrives. Wesley has invented yet another machine -a motorised rickshaw which he gets Barry to test, but it tips backwards when he sits in it. Howard is determined to find out who is writing to Marina, so he follows her with Pearl and when they reach the pub they discover that it is Smiler. Truly decides to dress like he did when he first danced with Audrey Nash, so they go off to Auntie Wainwright's where he buys a striped jacket and a pair of Oxford bags. Our trio finally meet Audrey Nash when she is collected from the railway station by Nora and Ivy, but she turns out to be a huge woman who doesn't remember Truly and ends up dancing with Compo.

10.SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SKYDIVER.
Compo decides he needs to impress Nora after she receives a postcard from some-one in the Canary Islands. First he serenades her outside her kitchen window but she throws a bowl of water over him. Calling at Auntie Wainwright's our trio find Smiler dressed in an airman's outfit complete with parachute. This gives Truly the idea of how Compo can impress Nora. After getting Barry to help with his new invention -a remote controlled vehicle Wesley takes it up on the hills, but it ends up chasing a policeman. At the cafe -with Compo dressed in the airman's outfit-Truly tells Nora and Ivy that Compo is going to do a parachute jump, but they just laugh at the thought of it. Later on, Truly telephones the ladies and tells them to come and look at Compo's parachute jump. To make it look as if Compo has jumped out of an aeroplane they get him to sit in a tree and jump out when the ladies arrive. Hearing what they think are the ladies arriving -but it is only Barry on Wesley's new invention Compo jumps out of the tree but ends up dangling from the branches.
 

cornishman

Kernow Hermit
Staff member
SERIES 20 1998 10 programmes
1. THE PONY SET
Compo starts his day watching the Margot Fonteyn of the clothes line (Nora Batty) hanging out her washing, until the deckchair he is sitting in collapses. Clegg's day starts with a fluffy duster coming through his letter box, with Howard attached to the other end.
During their walk the trio come across a stranger (Mr. Lucy) waiting for a bus, then its off to the care for a silent cup of tea. Out walking again they see Mr. Lucy (who is
running away from his wife) standing on a bridge, but Compo startles him and he falls into the river. After drying him off and walking him home they see Marina dressed in riding gear which she has bought from Auntie Wainwright.
At the ladies' coffee morning Glenda tells them that Barry is thinking of taking up horse riding, but they convince her that he must be up to something. She believes them when he arrives dressed in riding gear just as Marina cycles past dressed in her riding gear. Overhearing Nora saying she likes men In riding gear Compo, Clegg and Truly go to Auntie Wainwright's where Compo gets dressed in the riding gear that Glenda made Barry return. Whilst there Auntie talks Compo into testing her riding simulator (a wooden horse on wheels being towed by Wesley's Landrover), but when Wesley stops Compo on the simulator carries on going, and comes to a halt in a hedge bottom, but not before he passes the ladies who are out in Edie's car.

2. HOW ERROL FLYNN DISCOVERED THE SECRET SCAR OF NORA BATTY
Compo has a problem Which leg does Nora Batty have a scar on?
He ponders over this whilst up on the hills with Clegg and Truly where they come across Billy Hardcastle (dressed as Robin Hood) who has accidentally shoots an arrow through Truly's hat.
Billy tells that he is a direct descendant of Robin Hood and that he is going to live in the greenwood once he can get a band of Merry Men together. They take him to the pub for a pint where the landlord challenges him to shoot his bow and arrow, but he misses the target (a dartboard) and hits a fuse box which shorts out, blowing the pub sign off the wall.
Meanwhile, Barry has bought a half-set of golf dubs from Auntie Wainwright, who has also sold him a golfing outfit which Glenda finds him wearing when she returns home. The trio now take Billy Hardcastle to the cafe where Nora thinks he looks a bit like Errol Flynn. This upsets Compo so he goes off to Auntie's to get something to make him look like Errol Flynn as Robin Hood (a green frock).
Barry, who is sulking, has now gone off to lay golf, but Glenda thinks he has left her, so Edie, Pearl Wesley and Glenda go off to look for him and come across Clegg, Truly, Billy, Nora and Ivy.
After Smiler, Howard and Marina tum up dressed as Merry Men everyone goes off to look for Barry, who has been helping Compo up a tree so he can jump down dressed as Robin Hood to impress Nora. But it all goes wrong when he is left dangling upside down.

3. WHO'S THROWN HER TOM CRUISE PHOTOGRAPHS AWAY?
Marina makes a momentous decision today - she has finished with men - well, one in particular - Howard, and she is so determined that she throws her Tom Cruise photos in the bin.
After coming across Smiler dressed as a woman to promo Auntie Wainwright's Ladies Department, our trio find Howard sitting by a stream feeling sorry for himself. Truly decides to help him by using Smiler (as a woman) and borrowing Edie's car to make Marina think that Howard is seeing another woman. Barry now arrives on the scene so they dress him up as a woman too.
Putting Truly's plan into action Marina sees Howard drive past with what she thinks are two women, so she follows him in Wesley's Landrover with Compo, Clegg and Truly. Unfortunately for Howard he drives past Edie's house just as the ladies are leaving the coffee morning, and so is seen by Pearl. Glenda also sees Barry dressed as a woman and Edie sees Marina with Wesley in the Landrover.
Running away from the ladies Howard finds our trio and Compo sells him Marina's discarded photographs of Tom Cruise which he duly gives to Marina thinking that she wants him back, but all she does is hit him with them.

4. WHAT'S HAPPENED TO BARRY'S NOSE?
Howard is having a delivery of weight-lifting equipment delivered to Clegg's house as he doesn't want Pearl to know about it.
Barry wants to be more assertive and asks Truly for help, so our trio and Barry go to the pub so he can practise his assertiveness on the landlord, but they end up being thrown out. Barry tries being assertive again at another pub, this time telling drivers they can't park their car in a certain spot, but he ends up being hit on the nose by a disgruntled driver. Helping Barry back to Clegg's house they find Howard has hurt his back using the weight-lifting equipment, so how are they going to explain both injuries to Pearl and Glenda.
Smiler turns up on roller skates which he is advertising for Auntie Wainwright. Truly says they can pretend they were skating when they got hurt, so off they go to the cafe so the ladies can see them skate past the window, but they end up in a flower bed. Getting a lift back to Clegg's in the Landrover Wesley drives off with Howard in the back, but is stopped suddenly by Marina using a megaphone she bought at Auntie Wainwright's.

5. OPTIMISM IN THE HOUSING MARKET
Getting a lift from Wesley after a walk up on the hills they come across Smiler carrying two heavy suitcases. He's selling things door-to-door for Auntie Wainwright. Offering him a lift in the Landrover one of the suitcases drops on Smiter's foot, so off they go off to Auntie's to hire a wheelchair.
Howard has come up with a new ploy for being out with Marina. He pretends to be blind so Marina can help him cross the road, but Eli turns up and escorts him back nearly getting them both run over (hence the expression "The blind leading the blind"!!) Taking the wheelchair to pick up Smiler from the hospital Compo, who is sitting in the wheelchair, steals a kiss from Nora when she thinks he is ill.Edie, meanwhile, is out in her car where she manages to con the local traffic warden Cyril Gridley into driving her around.
Picking up Smiler in the wheelchair they keep banging his foot into things, so they take him to the pub to recover and find Barry is there. Calling at Wesley's they get some protection for Smiter's foot (a half car tyre) and test it by running him straight at the pub door, resulting in yet another scream when it does not work, and getting thrown out by the landlord.
The wheelchair, with Compo sat In it, now runs away downhill and Barry chases after it on a child's scooter, passing his manager whom Glenda is trying to talk into giving Barry a promotiOn. The wheelchair finally stops when it hits a wall throwing Compo into the river.

6, WILL BARRY GO SEPTIC DESPITE LISTENING TO CLASSICAL MUSIC?
Compo decides to impress Nora today by tightrope walking, but to steady himself he needs a clothes prop. He borrows on e from Howard in exchange for delivering a note to Marina.
Barry is at home with Glenda trying to fix his sink when he grazes a knuckle, so Glenda sends him to fetch Wesley to finish the job.
Compo tries his tightrope walking along a gate and falls off. They then come across Lester Coalville who is testing for earthquakes. He gives them a lift in his van and they come across Wesley and Barry, who now has his arm in a sling and is saying he fell off the roof. Lester now tests for earthquakes again. His wife (Maud) is out looking for him believing he is with another woman, and she gets the help of Smiler.
Lester thinks he has discovered an earthquake but finds it is Howard and Marina using a Morse code machine. Howard runs off when Pearl and the ladies arrive on the scene, and Maud marches Lester away when she discovers him with Marina.

7. BEWARE THE VANILLA SUCE
Howard has come up with a new plan to confuse Pearl He refuses to go out when Clegg calls for him saying that he would sooner stop at home with Pearl instead. Meanwhile, Truly has been sold an old lawnmower by Auntie Wainwright and he takes it to Wesley to get It repaired.
Out walking, Compo asks Clegg and Truly if they remember a game called "Thumpy Dub" they used to play when they were kids. It involved standing on a bridge trying to knock each other off using poles with padding on the end. Eli remembers "Thumpy Dub" and practises walking on a bridge until he falls off when he is startled by Barry and Glenda.
Howard's plan now works when Pearl gets fed up with him hanging around her and throws him out of the house. At the ladies coffee morning the topic of conversation turns to why Marina is buying vanilla slices.
After trying to sell the lawnmower to Smiler our trio come across Compo's old adversary Doggie Barnes who challenges him to a game of "Thumpy Dub". They both end up falling into the river.

8.HOWARD THROWS A WOBBLER
Compo starts his day with an early bath -a bucket of water thrown by Nora. Howard wonders why Pearl is laughing while on the telephone and mentions it to Clegg who then tells Compo and Truly. The trio take Howard to the pub where Truly volunteers to follow Pearl to see what she's up to, and Compo volunteers to meet Marina on Howard's behalf.
Barry is taking up jogging and whilst out comes across Auntie Wainwright who talks him into helping Smiler move some furniture.
Truly, Howard and Clegg now follow Pearl who is all dressed up, and in order that Pearl won't recognise them Howard and Clegg keep swapping overcoats. Compo finds Marina up on the hills and escorts her home, but they come across a large puddle and Compo carries Marina across it. Pearl now arrives at Edie's where she tells the other ladies that
their plan to make Howard notice her more is working. Glenda now arrives saying that Barry is missing, so the ladies go looking for him in Edie's car.
Following the ladies in Wesley's Landrover they find them at a pub. Pearl comes across one of her relatives but Howard thinks its her fancy man when Truly sees her kissing him.
Outside the pub Auntie Wainwright, Barry and Smiler tum up with a cartload of furniture, and Compo and Marina arrive covered in mud. Howard questions Pearl about who she was kissing and finds out it was all innocent, but he still storms off.

9. THE PHANTOM NUMBER 14 BUS
A stranger (Mr. Bramwell) is in the area asking people about the No.14 bus -the one that used to run 50 years ago. He first enquires at Auntie Wainwright's where she sells him a standard lamp, claiming it used to belong to somebody who worked on the No.14 bus. He now meets our trio who are helping Smiler with a handcart full of furniture he is delivering for Auntie Wainwright. After a visit to Cooper Street they take the handcart to Wesley's to get it repaired and find Mr. Bramwell with Wesley and Barry.
Mr. Bramwell tells the trio the tale of the missing bus in the pub where, after several drinks he passes out. Meanwhile Pearl is fed up of Howard Buying tubes of glue and sets up a stall outside the house where Howard has to sell it. To make sure he stays there she glues his feet to the floor.
Our trio try to sober up Mr. Bramwell but after carrying him they pick up the handcart from Wesley's so they can push him on it. Wesley is tinkering about with Barry's car and gets covered in dust and fumes whilst underneath it.
Its now 4.27, the time Mr. Bramwell claims the bus disappeared, and up on the hills everyone thinks the phantom bus has returned with a ghostly figure driving it, but it turns out to be Wesley still covered in dust on one of his weird vehicles. Mr. Bramwell faints when he sees Wesley coming towards him and the handcart with him on board runs away until he is tipped off, coming to land between Howard and Marina.

10. IRONING DAY
Auntie Wainwright is having a sales promotion - a free bottle of home-made wine with every purchase. To make sure the wine is okay she gets Smiler to test it, but even two small glasses gets him drunk. COmpo and Truly try to sober him up and take him to the cafe and then for a walk. When he sees Eli's bike he rides off on it. At the same time Barry is walking a neighbour's dog but as Smiler passes on the bike he grabs the lead making off with the dog. They g et Wesley and his Landrover to help look for them. Smiler meets Marina who needs help to get Howard off a bridge after he's been drinking Auntie's wine at the picnic they had, but when Smiler climbs up onto the bridge to rescue Howard they both fall into the river.
Compo, Truly, Barry and Wesley now arrive and give Barry a lift home where Glenda sees Marina give him a kiss. COmpo and Truly take Howard and Smiler to Clegg's house to dry them off, but they discover that their clothes have shrunk. COmpo creates a diversion so Howard can sneak past Pearl to change his clothes. He pretends to be looking at something over a wall but when Pearl looks too they both tumble over.
 

cornishman

Kernow Hermit
Staff member
These next few series are not numbered correctly (I think), when I've recovered my sanity Terry and I will sort it out.
Also there will be more than average spelling and punctuation errors, it was a nightmare converting these next two series.


TWENTY SECOND SERIES 2001.
1. GETTING BARRYS GOAT. (1/4/2001).
Clegg's day begins when he receives a message from Howard (inside a toy monkey), asking him to phone and invite him round. Whilst at Clegg's house Howard gives him a badge with the word OAF on it -Outdoor Activities Fellowship - which is all part of Howard's plan to meet Marina.
Out for a stroll, Truly comes across Billy Hardcastle who is trying to remember the real name of an old schoolfriend called "Squirm" - so called because of the effects of woolly underwear. He later finds out from Auntie Wainwright that "Squirm" was a Munsey from Upperthong. Over at the cafe Nora and Ivy are discussing the fact that Tom and Mrs. Avery have moved into Compo's old house.
Later, sat on a bridge, Tom tells Clegg, Truly and Billy that he's stored some of his belongings in Barry's garage. Glenda finds out when one of them turns out to be a goat, and she now Makes Barry return it to Tom. Up on the hills with Clegg, Truly, Billy and Tom, Tom decides to climb a tree like his father used to do but gets stuck. The others call at Wesley's to borrow a ladder and meet up with a man (debt collector) who is looking for Tom, so he goes with them.
Back up on the hills, the debt collector informs Tom that he owes £314.17p but Clegg comes up with an idea of how to get rid of him. He gets Billy to place Tom's dog puppet Waldo under the wheels of the debt collector's car, making him think he's run over Tom's dog. Feeling remorse he leaves quickly.
Finally Howard and Marina take refuge in Wesley's shed when they see the ladies coming, but soon come out when they discover the goat is inside.

2. THE ART OF THE SHORTS STORY (8/4/2001).
Howard has a problem (now there's a surprise)-he can't find his shorts, so he calls at Clegg's to borrow a pair. Clegg, Truly and Billy are arriving back after a stroll on the hills where Billy fell off his home-made raft and ended up in the river.
Barry thinks he's putting on weight and goes jogging, coming across Tom and Mrs. Avery on a tandem which Tom bought off Auntie Wainwright. He talks Barry into getting a personal trainer and conscripts Mrs. Avery. Outside Tom's house Barry's training begins with skipping followed by boxing, but a slight tap from Mrs. Avery knocks him out. Over at Clegg's Billy arrives with a pair of short Vehicles

3. THE MISSING BUS OF MRS. AVERY. (15/4/2001).
Pearl can't understand why Howard is so cheerful this morning. He knows that Pearl is going out for the afternoon with the other ladies, which will leave him free to see a "certain lady".
At the cafe Clegg and Truly find Billy who tells them about a hoax phone call he got from Bolton from someone who wanted a 'Robin Hood' to open a chip shop.
The bus now arrives to take the ladies on their outing. This turns out to be Tom's minibus driven by Mrs. Avery (who's not quite sure which is left and which is right).
Over at Tom's allotment Clegg, Truly, Billy and Tom are relaxing in Tom's shed with a beer when Smiler arrives covered in pig manure. He had fallen off the "all terrain go anywhere moped" that he was test-driving for Auntie Wainwright. Billy suggests that they test drive the other mopeds and off they go into the hills.
Barry decides to go for a round of golf whilst Glenda is away at the picnic, but he upsets "The Captain" when his mobile phone rings just as "The Captain" is about to take a shot.
On the way to the picnic Mrs. Avery gets out of the minibus when everyone shouts at her, but she forgets to put the hand brake on and the minibus runs away down a hill, eventually stopping in a field where the ladies decide to have their picnic.
Howard and Marina are sat on a wall when the ladies go past so Howard pushes Marina over and in return she throws his bicycle over the wall, but he gets a lift home in Wesley's Land Rover which also has a drunken Mrs. A very in the back. s that he's lending Howard. Clegg, Truly and Howard make their way to Edie's where the ladies are having their
usual coffee morning. This is so that Howard can show Pearl the shorts (which were not missing at all -Pearl had hidden them). Everybody now sets off to find Barry who's out riding on Tom's tandem with Mrs. Avery, but they both end up in a hedge bottom when the brakes fail.
Pearl now makes Howard put the shorts on which come down below his knees giving everybody a good laugh.

4. HEY, BIG VENDOR. (22/4/2001).
After Billy does his Errol Flynn impression of Robin Hood swinging through the trees (which ends up with him dangling upside down), Clegg, Truly and Billy get a lift from Wesley who's invented a go-anywhere vending machine.
Barry is still feeling depressed after his recent run in with "The Captain" at the local golf course. He calls round to see Tom in his shed on his allotment to ask about a palm reading from Mrs. Avery, to see if his future looks any brighter.
The ladies have persuaded Wesley to bring his vending machine to the jumble sale, but when the vicar introduces the special guest (Mrs. Endicott) to officially open the jumble sale the vending machine keeps making rude noises and then explodes. Thinking that Wesley has fixed the vending machine Barry gets an idea of how to try to get back in "The Captains" good books. Clegg, Truly, Billy and Barry take the vending machine to the golf course, but as "The Captain" is about to take a shot the vending machine explodes, frightening everyone including Howard and Marina who are supposedly looking for lost golf balls.

5. ENTER THE HAWK. (29/4/2001).
Barry wants promotion and believes a new suit would help, bur Glenda disagrees.
Outside Pearl's house the ladies are talking about men (as usual) and Nora tells Pearl that she should feed Howard more stodge to stop him wandering.
Whilst walking through town Clegg, Truly, Billy and Tom meet Barry coming out of the tailors with the new suit and they all go to Clegg’s house for him to change. The men now take Barry to road test his new suit (passing Howard outside his house full of stodge). They call at the pub for a drink where Ban-y has one too many.
Glenda persuades the other ladies that Barry has left her so Edie takes them all in her car to look for him and they pass Howard and Marina who are out cycling. Wesley is out looking for Barry too in Tom's van that now has a tube on the top for storing carpets. When the ladies arrive Billy is sat on top of the van pretending to look for Barry, but the van rolls away down hill hitting a wall. Billy and the tube get thrown off and Ban-y, Howard and Marina crawl out of the tube.

6. GNOME AND AWAY (6/4/2001).
Howard has bought a present for Marina and asks Clegg if he can leave it at his house. The trouble is the present is a five-foot garden gnome.
The problem now arises as to how to get the gnome past Pearl and the other ladies, who are having their coffee morning at Pearl's house. Wesley now gets roped in to help move the gnome but when Clegg, Truly and Billy carry it out of Clegg's it starts singing ("I want to be happy") which arouses the interests of the ladies. Billy tells them it was he and Howard practising their double act and they demonstrate it to the ladies. Not believing them the ladies follow the men in Edie's car. The men now dump the gnome in a handcart that Smiler is pushing. Arriving back at Wesley's shed the ladies look under the sheet to see what the men were hiding and get a surprise when they find Eli.

7. A HAIR OF THE BLONDE THAT BIT YOU (14/5/2001).
Pearl has found a blonde hair on Howard - now I wonder where that came from? Clegg, Truly and Billy are having a chat when Smiler turns up with a cartload of furniture that he's delivering for Auntie Wainwright. Clegg and Truly call to Tom's house where the one-upmanship is still continuing between Nora and Mrs. Avery. This time its carpet cleaning which ends up with Nora covered in foam. Calling at Tom's allotment, Clegg and Truly collect the clocks that Tom has supposedly mended, and then the three of them go to the cafe. There Clegg and Truly discover that the chimes in their clocks are too loud and off-key so they go to Auntie Wainwright's for spare parts. Billy, meanwhile, is out practising being Robin Hood and causes Barry - who has given Marina a lift -to swerve off the road and into a ditch, leaving Marina's legs hanging out of his car. As Smiler is passing with Howard they help to get Marina out of the car. Clegg, Truly, Tom and Wesley arrive with a heavy fire surround from Auntie Wainwright's and place it on Smiler's handcart. Now, because Ban-y is holding the other end of the handcart the weight of the fire surround shoots him into the air and he lands on Marina.
Smiler gets towed on the handcart behind Wesley's Land Rover but when Wesley unfastens the tow rope so he can rescue Edie and her car from a hill, Smiler and the handcart career backwards down the hill and stop next to Eli who is waiting for a bus.
Tom now comes up with a plan for helping Howard explain how he got a blonde hair on him. He gets the local barmaid (who is also blonde) to wheel Howard home on another handcart. The barmaid tells Pearl that Howard passed out in a 'Kissing the Barmaid' competition, but this cuts no ice with Pearl who promptly tips him over the wall.

8. A WHITE SWEATER AND A SOLICITORS LETTER (21/5/2001).
Billy calls at Auntie Wainwright's who sells him a long bow even though he's supposed to be buying a table lamp for his wife.
Up on the hills Clegg tells Truly and Billy that Howard, who called to see him earlier, gave him a tennis racket and also wanted him to wear a white sweater, but the conversation is interrupted by a remote control aeroplane being flown by Barry.
Tom receives a letter from Atkinson and Blank solicitors ( even though the whole town knows about it before he does). He calls at the solicitor's office to find that his Dad's old bookie ("Birdy" Birdwell) has left him a giant screen T.V. in his will. Clegg, Truly and Tom call back at Clegg's where Howard is trying to convince Pearl that he likes tennis, and tries talking Clegg into wearing a white sweater. Clegg refuses so Tom wears it instead, but it nearly buries him. Clegg, Truly, Tom and Wesley call to collect the T.V. from "Birdy's" widow, and Tom decides to give to Eli. Barry takes his aeroplane out again but unfortunately Billy accidentally shoots it with an arrow whilst practising his archery skills, so he takes what's left of the aeroplane to Wesley who converts it into a table lamp.

9. WHY IS BARRY AT AN ANGLE? (28/5/2001).
Nora and Ivy are out walking when they come across Mrs. Avery holding Tom by the ankles over a bridge, but unfortunately he drops into the river. Over at Barry's house he tells Glenda that he has to go to see a Mr. Hackett (of Wilton St.) who has got behind on his insurance payments. Howard says he needs to get out for some fresh air ( at about 3 o'clock) but he has to assemble a flat-pack of a chest of drawers. Barry and Glenda call to ask Wesley ifhe knows Mr. Hackett and whilst outside Wesley's shed Clegg and Truly tum up. Truly says that he will make enquiries about the Hacketts and they take him to the local pub. Meanwhile, over at Auntie Wainwright's, she is using Smiler as a childrens entertainer (Mr. Cuddly) and dresses him in a clown's outfit. Back at the pub, Clegg, Truly, Billy and Tom wind Barry up by telling him all sorts of horror stories about the Hacketts, which results in him getting drunk. At the cafe Glenda tells the other ladies about Barry's dilemma and decides that she will sort it out, or rather she gets Mrs. Avery to call at the Hacketts where he promptly pays up. Walking through town the men come across Howard and Marina who are stuck together after Howard has bought yet another tube of glue from the supermarket. The men take them to Wesley's to see if he can unstick them but they all end up getting stuck -Wesley to Billy, Barry to Tom and Clegg to Truly.

10. THE COMING OF THE BEAST (3/6/2001).
Truly decides that the area needs some excitement and starts a rumour that there is a tiger on the loose. He flags down a car being driven by Billy Ingleton, who's already feeling nervous on account of being overdue returning his library books, and tells him about the tiger.
Over at Barry and Glenda's house, Barry has decided to be more manly and has bought himself a new pair of blue overalls with the intention of helping Wesley in his shed.
Clegg, Truly and Billy Hardcastle meet Wesley who's in a state of great excitement because he's bought himself a new machine (a small mechanical digger). At Wesley's shed the machine needs testing and Billy Hardcastle sits in the bucket but he gets bounced around. Barry now turns up in his new overalls wanting to help, but he too gets bounced around as witnessed by Eli (who thinks it's a killer giraffe).
The rumour about the tiger is now spreading, and Auntie Wainwright takes advantage of the situation by selling Howard tiger equipment (a whip and a chair) which he uses on Pearl to get her into the house.
Wesley now thinks that he's fixed the machine and takes it for a test run. He scares two policemen in a police car causing them to drive into a pond where they find Billy Ingleton sat on top of his car after he has driven into the pond as well.
Finally, the locals think they have cornered the tiger when something big and striped emerges from the bushes, but it turns out to be Smiler wearing a striped jacket that Auntie Waim.vright sold him earlier.
 

cornishman

Kernow Hermit
Staff member
LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE. 23rd SERIES.

1. POTTS IN POLE POSITION
While out walking, Truly, Clegg and Billy come across a woman dressed in a safari suit. She tells them that she is looking for her husband (Potts). Howard meanwhile has come up with yet another ploy for seeing Marina. He tells Pearl that he is going fishing and enlists the help of Tom, Smiler and eany who's decided to take up fishing as well. Our tiio now come across Potts dressed in polar gear. He explains to them that he is using this as an excuse to get away from his wife who wants a second honeymoon. Howard, Tom, Smiler, Barry and Wesley tum up in the Land Rover and hearing Potts story, Tom says to make it more believable he needs a dog sledge.
Over at Auntie Wainwrights, Pearl and Glenda get dressed in fishing gear so they can check on Howard and Beany. Mrs. Potts, still looking for her husband, comes across Maiina. She tells her about her husband wandering off so Marina says in order to spice up her marriage she needs to dress differently and takes her to Auntie Wainwright’s. Trying out the sledge, which Wesley has made, Tom gets dragged away by the group of stray dogs that were fastened to it. Down by the lakeside, Howard thinks that he's found Marina under a large umbrella but it turns out to be Pearl who promptly throws him into the water. Helping Potts back to his tent because he's drunk, our trio find Mrs. Potts dressed as a tart which has the desired effect on Mr. Potts, and the two of them scramble into the tent after compromising on the polar expedition and deciding to go to Bognor instead.

2.A BRIEF EXCURSION IN THE FAST LANE.
Both Tom and Smiler are feeling depressed. Tom is depressed because his associate, Mrs. Ave1y has kicked him out and moved someone else in and Smiler is depressed because he cannot find any female companionship. While Clegg and Truly are out walking they pass Barry's house where Glenda asks them in to look at Barry who's upside down practising yoga. Over at the cafe, Tom and Smiler are sat still feeling depressed when Billy arrives on a scooter. He explains to them that he's in training for a challenge with somebody on his street. Clegg and Truly take Barry for a drink where he explains to them that he is having a mid-life crisis and that's why he's trying yoga. Billy, Smiler and Tom arrive on scooters and find Clegg, Truly, Barry and the landlord standing upside down. Billy now talks everybody into riding scooters but while going downhill they end up in the back of a removal van as witnessed by Edie and Glenda. Later on at the cafe where Tom decides to move in with Smiler, Barry shows Clegg and Truly a photograph of a flashy sports car that he wants. Clegg and Truly go to Wesley's to tell him about Barry's obsession with speed so Wesley shows them yet another scooter but this one has an engine. The scooter now needs testing and Tom has the first go but he ends up in a stream, so Barry takes over but the same thing happens to him. As he· s climbing out of the stream a figure in leather on a motorbike arrives which huns out to be Glenda. This embarrasses Barry and puts him off his speed fantasy.
Finally we see Billy depressed after losing his scooter challenge - to a small boy.

3.THE MYSTICAL SQUEAK OF HOWARD'S BICYCLE.
Billy tells Clegg and Truly that he has a sixth sense and says he can prove it. He stands by a stream with his fingers in his ears and says he will be able to tell when Clegg or Truly try to push him in, but they slope off to the pub leaving him standing there. Barry and Glenda are going for a picnic with Glenda's friend Astrid so Barry calls at the cafe to pick up some cans of orange juice. There he meets Tom and Smiler, and as Smiler is still looking for female companionship Tom comes up with the idea of fixing him up with Astrid Over at Wesley's, Howard arrives with his bicycle which has developed a squeak (but only when he wheels it). Clegg and Truly are sat in a pub when Billy arrives complaining about being left by the stream. Truly says that he'll demonstrate sixth sense on the landlord, but they end up being thrown out. Up on the hills, Clegg, Truly and Billy come across Barry and Glenda and Astrid who is sat cross-legged in a field chanting. Later on Billy and Truly challenge each other to a test of sixth sense by cycling down a hill blindfolded -with the inevitable consequences. Barry and Glenda are outside a stately home when two security guards carry Astrid out and put her into Barry's car after she gets drunk at the wine tasting. Tom and Smiler arrive with Smiler all dressed up in a pinstripe suit (from Auntie Wainwright's). They get a lift in Barry's car where Astrid fancies Smiler -after all she is drunk. They take Astrid to Clegg's house, with the help of Marina, until she sobers up, but when they get there they find Clegg performing an exorcism on Howard's bicycle after be thinks it's haunted. Finally, Billy is standing by the same stream as before but this time he falls in when Clegg explodes the paper bag he had his apples in.

4. MERVYN WOULD BE PROUD.
Outside Clegg's house, Clegg finds Howard sat on a wall feeling miserable. He tells Clegg that he believes that Pearl does not love him anymore on account of only getting one fried tomato for breakfast. Out walking, Clegg, Truly and Billy are being followed by a man. Billy explains it is someone called Mervyn who's a fan of bis after he'd told him in the pub about bis connection with Robin Hood. At Auntie Wainwright's Tom and Smiler have loaded a lot of musical boxes and a cuckoo clock on a handcart. Smiler then demonstrates his new ,prowess with women (under instruction from Tom) by kissing Auntie Wainwright's hand. Passing the tailors Clegg, Truly and Billy meet Barry coming out with a new dinner jacket ready for his firm’s annual dance. Calling at the cafe our trio meet Tom and Smiler who've arrived with the clocks and musical boxes, but when the cuckoo clock surprises Ivy they get thrown out. At Edie's Glenda is trying on an evening dress that she's borrowing from Roz. She tells Edie and Roz that Barry has bought a new dinner jacket but Edie says he can borrow Wesley's -which smells of mothballs -so Barry has to take the new one back. Mervyn tells them he has told the vicar that Billy will give a demonstration with his bow and arrow at the garden party. The trouble is he's told the vicar that Billy will do it "at the speed of a galloping horse", but because they haven't got a horse Billy decides to do it on the back of Wesley's Land Rover. Billy foes his first arrow but it punctures Edie's car tyre after she got stuck in a field. Next he tries on the back of the Land Rover, but he falls over, the arrow goes straight up in the air and lands on the cuckoo clock which Howard and Marina are holding (Howard has bought it from Tom and Smiler). Billy now foes an arrow whilst riding a bicycle but the arrow goes through Mervyn's hat knocking him off the wall he was sitting on. Finally Howard presents Pearl with a musical box, but instead of sounding like "honey for the ears" it makes a terrible noise.

5. THE INCREDIBLE ORDEAL OF NORMAN CLEGG.
Howard pops round to Clegg's house to see if he can leave a few things for a picnic -a picnic hamper, a table, two folding chairs and MARINA. Problem -bow to get Marina past Pearl and the other ladies who are having their coffee morning at Pearls house. Meanwhile, Auntie Wainwright bas decided to advertise and gets Tom and Smiler to push a shop window dummy dressed in clothes sat on a chair in the handcart. It keeps falling over so they take it to Wesley to see if he can help. Back at Clegg's, Billy suggests that Howard would collect Marina quicker if he thought that Clegg wanted to keep her there for himself, but when they tell Howard he doesn’t believe them and goes back indoors. Truly tells Clegg that he should get dressed up to make it more believable, so he dons a striped blazer, flannels, a bow tie and blonde wig, but again Howard doesn’t believe them and falls about laughing when he sees Clegg. Tom and Smiler turn up with the dummy fixed to the chair. Truly suggests they should swap Marina for the dummy so she can leave without the ladies noticing. Clegg plays a nick on Howard and puts the dummy, dressed in Marina's clothes, Tide Howard's gout door and when he sees it he panics, jumps on his bike and cycles off down the lane.

6. BEWARE OF THE HOT DOG.
Wesley has decided to go into the catering business and has invented a go anywhere hot dog making machine. Laying up on the hills the topic of conversation between Truly and Clegg turns to Nora Batty who's gone to Australia. They meet up with Tom and whilst walking by a Jake Clegg remembers the time that Compo tried water skiing with a pair of ski's Wally Batty had made. Everyone meets at Wesley's shed where he demonstrates his hot dog machine -which bums like a flame-thrower. Taking the machine onto the road to sell hot dogs they meet a man looking for his girlfriend (Fifi) and decide to help him look for her. Over at Howard's house, Pearl is all dressed up as she's going shopping with Roz, but because Howard is suspicious about her intentions he follows her, dressed in a Jong coat and hat which be bought at Auntie Wainwright's. Marina, who has lost one of her earrings, meets Fifi and the two of them decide to have nothing to do with men (well for a little while anyway). Howard, with the help of Smiler and a tandem, follow a bus which they think Pearl and Roz are on, but they end up falling off the tandem. Ban-y and Glenda are out in Edie's car and give Marina and Fifi a lift, also Howard after he falls off the tandem again. Unfortunately for Howard not only does Pearl see him with Marina and Fifi, but also Fifi's boyfriend who tr7. IN SEARCH OF

7. CHILDLIKE JOY AND THE FARTHEST REACHES OF THE LOTUS POSITION.
Because Smiler is depressed (now that makes a change) Tom says be needs to capture his "childlike joy" again and volunteers him into testing a trolley that Wesley bas made. Off be goes down a hill but soon realises that there doesn't seem to be any brakes. Nearly running over Billy- who's demonstrating the use of a quarterstaff to Truly and Clegg - be ends up stuck in a hedge. To try and get Smiler out of the hedge Wesley attaches a tow rope to the Land Rover and pulls him out, but unfortunately his clothes come off leaving him in his long johns. A police car arrives, and seeing the clothes they think its an alien abduction and drive off. Our trio arrive with Howard and Marina on their bicycles (which are fastened together with Billy's quarterstaff), but the brakes fail and they all end up in the river. The policemen, feeling guilty about leaving the scene of Smiler's accident, return and finding the trolley try it out but they too end up in the liver. Walking up on the hills, Truly, Clegg and Billy find Barry in a barn practising yoga, but as his legs have locked they carry him to his car and he gives them a lift to the pub. Outside the pub, our trio practise the lotus position on the tables as witnessed by the ladies as they drive pasties to throttle him.

8. A CHAISE LONGUE TOO FAR.
Howard drops in to see Clegg -literally-he falls out of his bathroom window. Now he needs to get back in without Pearl seeing him, so Clegg, Truly and Billy throw him back in again. Out walking they come across Marina who asks them to take a message to Howard. She wants him to meet her in the usual place at 3:00pm. She then gives Clegg a big kiss. Over at Auntie Wainwright's, Tom sells her a chaise-longe which she then sells to Barry. (who really want to buy some jewellery). Because Glenda does not like the chaise-longe Barry takes it back to Tom on his allotment to see if he can sell it again. Clegg and Truly now challenge Billy to get Howard out of his house, and whilst standing outside Tom and Smiler arrive with the chaise-longe on a handcart. Billy says they'll put the handcart and chaise-longe, under Howard's bathroom window so that he can. step onto it, but first they need to distract Pearl. They get Smiler to play his trumpet round the back of Howard's house, but-when Howard steps out of the window the handcart tips up hitting Tom under the chin. Pearl now turns up on the scene and chases everybody away. Our trio now get Barry to collect Marina in his car and bring her to the park, where they have disguised Tom to look like Howard, who is still confined to the house. She see’s who she believes is Howard sat on the chaise-longe, and being grateful to Barry she hugs him, but is witnessed by Glenda and Wesley. Finally, whilst wheeling the chaise-longe down a hill with Tom on it, going through the back entrance of a shop, and coming to rest in the from window, just as Pearl is passing.


9. EXERCISING FATHER'S BICYCLE.
Why is Billy crawling about in the long grass? He's collecting animal dung and keeps it in a little tin so that he can identify any wild animal. Truly and Clegg are watching Billy_ craw! g about, and being chased by a big dog as Tom arrives in a hurry after being v1s1ted by a debt collector. Truly convinces Tom that his dad (Compo) could do all sorts of tricks on his old bicycle, so off they all go to Tom's allotment to collect it. Over at Ban-y and Glenda's, Barry says that he has challenged the mortgage advisor at his Building Society to a duel, because he laughed at his lap top. After being stuck up on his roof because Truly and Billy removed his ladder, Howard calls at Auntie Wainwright's for "a small personal gift for a certain lady" to be delivered at 3:00pm, in the park, by the duckpond. Ou trio take Tom up into the hills to try his first bicycle trick, running alongside and then jumping on -with the inevitable consequences. After trying to ride the bicycle with his arms folded and falling off, he attempts to jump over a wall but he gets covered in cow dung. Jn the park, Smiler arrives with the single bloom that Howard ordered for Marina, but it turns out to be a giant flowering plant in a handcart. Ifs now time for Ban-y's duel (fighting with sticks on a bridge over the river), but not only do Ban-y and the mortgage advisor fall in, but also Billy who's refereeing the duel.


10. SADLY, MADLY, BRADLEY.
Howard has to go hospital visiting today, but he needs a message delivered to Marina and asks Barry to deliver it. Auntie Wainwright needs an inflatable animal feeding trough (a rubber boat) delivered and enlists the help of Wesley and his Land Rover, along with Tom and Smiler. Making their way to a farm to deliver the inflatable animal feeding trough, Tom presses a button on it causing it to inflate and thus throwing himself and Smiler off the back of the Land Rover. Our trio have a problem. -he's called Bradley, and is Billy's brother-in-law who needs cheering up, but he has no sense of humour. Taking him with them for a walk they come across Smiler and Tom in the rubber boat floating down a stream. Howard has had a reprieve and doesn’t have to go hospital visiting, so he goes off to meet Marina, but unknown to him he's followed by Pearl and Roz. Barry too is being followed by Glenda and Edie, and when Glenda sees him with Marina she attacks her with her handbag, as does Pearl to Howard. Back at the stream, Truly, Clegg, Billy, Tom and Smiler all get into the rubber boat for a ride. They ask Bradley to get in too but he declines, • which is fortunate for hi.Jn as Tom again presses something be shouldn't and causes the boat to sink. This cheers Bradley up, causing him to burst out laughing.

11, IT ALL BEGAN WITH A VOLVO HEADLAMP
Sitting up in the hills, where Billy reminisces about the time he used to be there with an o1d Volvo headlamp, our trio meet a man who's nursing a broken heart:"' Giving them a lift to the nearest pub, the man -Kevin -says that he's going to become "The Wise Man of the Woods". Later they take him to see Tom on his allotment to get advice as to how a "Wise Man of the Woods" should dress. They all go to Auntie Wainwright's who kits him out in a long coat, wig and false beard. Tom, with the help of Smiler and a. sandwich board, spreads the word that the "Wise Man of the Woods" is giving advice.
Barry is sent in Wesley's Land Rover to collect Kevin's girlfriend -Cindy Fritters -who, being very grateful, kisses Barry much to the disgust of Glenda who finds him covered in lipstick. The ladies arrive at Kevin's caravan for a consultation. Howard also arrives with Marina, but seeing Pearl he borrows Kevin's wig and beard. Cindy thinks he's Kevin and kisses him. Finally, Barry and Glenda are returning the Land Rover to Wesley when the gear knob drops off again. As Barry is bending down to pick it up, the vehicle is seen by the two policemen, who think it is being driven by a headless driver.
 
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cornishman

Kernow Hermit
Staff member
The following are "Loose" and "as they come!"

The secret birthday of Norman Clegg
All in their best suits, or Norman and Truly is an undercover birthday meal - everyone else is at a wedding with the reception being at the same hotel Clegg had chosen. Except Marina who invites herself to join with Clegg and Truly for the meal as they walk along the street, avoiding everyone else.
In the hotel the vicar stops to say hello to the pair commenting on older men entertaining flighty young ladies when Marina reappears!
Glenda is not happy with Megan (daughter of the lady getting married) who sees in Barry a source of interest. Howard is beside himself with anguish when he sees first Truly then Clegg chatting to
Marina but lets the secret out. They all get invited to the reception but Clegg creeps out in Truly dark glasses and a ladies hat and coat to escape.

The second husband and the showgirls
Howard has found that he no longer "clicks" with Pearl: the only thing clicking being his new false teeth.
Truly arrives at Cleggs in a state of shock with a letter from a Mrs Norris Leeland, the former Mrs Truelove. Truly insist on Billy and Clegg accompanying him to met Mr Leeland off the train whence they retire to the pub after a large crowd gather outside the cafe, owing to a dropped comment from Billy.
Smiler has no success with dating agencies even when "reduced in the sale" but Auntie Wainwright comes to the rescue with two horsy showgirls - Queenie and Babs.
Barry would rather stay in the kitchen than sit with the ladies at Edie's house but he is told to found out what Mr Leeland looks like.
Tom and Smiler get up in riding gear to impress the ladies who are at the same pub but these two are teaching Truly and Norris how to arm wrestle seriously. Entwhistle
(vehicle G746 XAY) brings up Auntie Wainwright and Marina while Truly and Norris become firm friends.

All of a Florrie
At the riverside, Clegg notes that it is fundamental philosophical problem that kippers repeat, Bertrand Russell having blamed the Americans.
Barry having again upset the golf captain needs a challenge. A blue rinsed lady, called Florrie Hargreaves, comes looking for Truly saying that she will be waiting at the White Horse this afternoon, he was always such a sensible person. She was the lady whom Truly called upon when his own marriage was under strain - she is now two years widowed. Truly keeps on the run.
Alvin has settled into his new home under Norah, he was thinking of getting a Doberman dog but was worried that Norah would savage it.
Truly is thought to be kidnapping but only wants to get arrested so as to escape Florrie. Tom is brought in as a psychic adviser but does not get far. The next wheeze is to use Marina as the home help which confounds Florrie who is departing to follow a Mr Riley who does his own housekeeping.
However the last ruse is also brought on as Truly emerges in football kit to start playing in the street.

Xmas Special
Billy Hingletons popularity soars when they hear he is restoring an old fairground organ, especially Nora Batty, who gets her wrinkled stockings in a right twist and books Billy as the star attractions at the charity fair.
the star attraction at the Batty, charity who fair.g

The Lair of the Cat Creature
New series. Alvin the Birdman (George And Mildred star Brian Murphy) crashes from the skies into the lives of Truly, Clegg and Billy(Frank Thornton, Peter Sallis and Keith Clifford) in the first of a new run of the hit comedy series. He thinks he has landed in France, and has thus broken the long-distance hang-gliding record. After breaking the news about the failure of his flight, the wily trio desperately try to find something that he can be first at. Rumours of a mystery cat creature lurking in the nearby woods gives them the perfect opportunity. Can Alvin turn stalker to identify the beast?

A pickup of the later Ming Dynasty
After helping Entwistle (Burt Kwouk) to repair his broken-down truck, Truly, Clegg and Billy find their skills are in demand again - to help Tom (Tom Owen) and Smiler (Stephen Lewis) find the source of a squeak on their handcart.

Ancient Eastern wisdom - an introduction
Truly and Clegg bump into a Chinese electrical handyman called Entwistle while they are out walking. For a modest fee he agrees to teach them the wisdom he brings from the East - Hull, to be precise! And Tom faces the repo man when he turns up to collect his outstanding debts.

The miraculous curing of Old Geoff Helliwell
Clegg, Truly and Billy take matters into their own hands when they hear that an old school friend is going to die on Tuesday, just before EastEnders. The trio decide to look for something, or someone, to put the spark back in his life

In which Gavin Hinchliffe loses the Gulf Stream
A man skiing on a van roof causes raised eyebrows until the old boys realise who he is. Bernard Cribbins makes his final appearance as Gavin Hinchcliffe

The Frenchies are coming
Just when Barry finds himself looking for an alternative to golf, along comes Billy with a ready-made archery training course

The Man Who Invented Yorkshire Funny Stuff
Howard is dismayed when Marina unwittingly buys him a full-sized life-like gorilla and getting it home in Entwistle’s truck attracts the attention of the local police, while a newspaper article prompts Truly, Clegg and Billy to try to track down Cyril Cooper - a man renowned for his green fingers and womanising ways. Comedy, starring Peter Sallis, Frank Thornton and Robert Fyfe
 
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