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  1. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    My uncle died in a tortoise stampede. It was a slow death.
  2. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    I went to the Doctors and said to the receptionist, "When do you think the doctor will be able to see me?" She smiled and said, "As soon as you walk in the room, he's not blind."
  3. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    A gang of rogue tailors came into our town recently, made numerous alterations and left. Police have threatened to arrest them if they turn up again.
  4. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    I was speaking to my doctor. I said, "Doc, just how bad is my halitosis?" He said, "Pretty bad" and hung up the phone.
  5. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    I said to my wife, "I know you're worried about losing your looks, so try this beauty treatment." Handing her a carrier. She opened it and said, "There's nothing in it." I said, "I know, just pop the bag over your head."
  6. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    My wife asked, "If I died tomorrow, how long would you wait before sleeping with another woman?" I said, "10 years." "Aww really, why?" she smiled. I said, "They'd probably let me out on parole by then."
  7. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    I've read 'Plumbing for idiots' twice and I still haven't got a clue what I'm doing. I guess it's going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
  8. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    The new super computer is to be launched soon that will predict the weather better. Its to be called the "Automatic curtain opener"
  9. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    I thought my next door neighbour had Tourette's. Turns out he was just building some IKEA furniture.
  10. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    I said to my missus, "Have a guess where I've booked you for your holiday?" She said "Seychelles?" I replied "Ok, shells, you're off to Skegness."
  11. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    "Do you love anyone enough to give them your last Rolo?" Yes, my diabetic mother in law.
  12. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    I love that noise my wife makes when she shuts up.
  13. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    "When's it due, love?" "I'm not pregnant, you cheeky bugger" "No, the bus." "Don't be stupid, buses don't get pregnant."
  14. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    My life's been a living hell ever since all my numbers came up on the lottery. Everywhere I go in town , I see them pointing and whispering: "That's him - the daft sod that lost his lottery ticket."
  15. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    Life is about changing perspectives and priorities: I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don't care if they both are.
  16. George

    Is it ?

    Just watched an ad for gold coins.The fella walks up to a woman in a bookshop and shows her the coin book. The lady seemed familiar and after some thought I'm sure it is Joanne Heywood,who played Dilys in First of the Summer Wine. What do you think?
  17. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    Used chewing gum for sale.. Almost mint.
  18. George

    Happy birthday to me.

    Have a really special day mate
  19. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    My mate said, "What's your mother-in-law like?" I said, "To be honest she's ok, we get on well. It's her daughter I can't stand."
  20. George

    jokes bad or otherwise.

    I don't like light bulbs because they look like the ghosts of dead pears
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