jokes bad or otherwise.

I found a strange piece of paper today.
It read:
Butter
Marge
Jam
Marmite
I think it was some sort of spreadsheet.
 
My wife and I told our son we're going to Disneyland".
He was so excited.
I don't know why, We never said he was coming
 
I got stopped by the police, and the copper asked if I'd been drinking?
"Don't be stupid" I said, "I can't afford alcohol AND petrol!!"
 
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a
passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a
tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
 
I saw Cristiano Ronaldo today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "No. Hang on".
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and
began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you do it"
 
How is Colonel Gadaffi like Fred Flintstone?
When they look out of their windows they see rubble.
 
Yahoo news:
"Dangerous spiders arrive in UK from the Gulf!"
Iraqnids?
 
I just heard on the radio there are fog patches on the M4. I can only assume it is trying to give up fog.
 
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the lift over the escalator.
Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell
down the stairs for an hour and a half.
 
The moment when your going through a metal detector at the airport
and you start sweating thinking you've become a terrorist without
even knowing.
 
BREAKING NEWS: David Blaine's 40 day world record for doing nothing in a box has been broken by Fernando Torres.
 
I see Viagra sales figures are at a record high.
Keep it up guys.
 
My son was sent home from school today for putting super glue round the rim of his teachers coffee cup.

I said to him, " What did your teacher say when he found out?"

"mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........."
 
A passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder, The driver screams,swerves nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window. ''Your abit jumpy aren't you? I only tapped your shoulder'', says the passenger. ''Sorry'', says the cabbie, its my first day I've spent the last 20 years driving a hearse.
 
I've decided to leave the UK and rent a house in Nashville.
Just need to sort the Tennessee agreement .
 
My mates girlfriend texted him saying: "Come on over to mine, nobody's
home ;)" So he ran over to hers.
There was no-one home.
 
Marriage
When the man does something wrong, the woman voices her objection,
and things generally get resolved when the man apologises.
When the woman does something wrong, the man voices his objection,
and things generally get resolved when the man apologises for voicing
his objection.
 
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When
it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits!
 
I had to get up at 3 o'clock this morning to fill the skip up with rubbish.
It's not my skip.
 
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