jokes bad or otherwise.

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
 
A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer to follow in due course all guesses are welcome
 
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand pounds to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand pounds to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
 
captain clutterbuck said:
A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer to follow in due course all guesses are welcome
Click to expand...
Surname
 
A married couple are celebrating their 30 years of marriage by visiting places they did on their honeymoon day . In a secluded country lane with absolutely no one around the Husband says to his wife " Remember we stopped here and made passionate love again that cattle fence on our way to the Hotel , lets try again as part of the 30 year anniversary."

His wife readily agrees and they spend the next thirty minutes making passionate love . after returning to the car the Husband remarks " Wow darling I don't remember you moving so intensely and passionately last time or even since during our thirty years "

The wife replies " I know but last time the fence wasn't electrified!!"
 
A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realises its 3 AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well,dear, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You bloody liar!!! You were playing Darts again and it looks for a lot of games you were chalking the scores!!!"
 
Great news! Some of the old favourite singers and bands have re-released
their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their ageing
audience.

Some examples:

The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA: "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles: "I wish I was only 64".

All additions to the list welcome
 
A husband and wife live in London , on Christmas Eve he phones his son in Glasgow and tells him " Son I have got some news after 45 years of marriage I am divorcing you Mam I have had enough " "But dad you can't throw 45 years down the pan !" "No Son my minds made up I am going through with it" " Dad just hand on let me call my sister and we'll get back to you don't do anything"

The Son calls the sister and tells her at which she calls the Father back " You are not bloody getting divorced do nothing I will drive from Edinburgh pick up my brother and we'll be down tomorrow and sort this out!!"

After putting the phone down he goes to the kitchen and tells his wife " Well that worked a treat the kids will be here Christmas day and this time they are paying the costs to get here themselves. "
 
A husband and wife are dining in an expensive restaurant and have ordered their food and drink from the waiter when the husband pipes up and asks the waiter " Why do you have a spoon in your top pocket? " " Well sir " the waiter replies " The restaurant hired a time and motion expert and they noted that on average 75% of diners drop their desert spoon and so carrying one can save 4 hours a week if staff carry a spare and save that time going back to the kitchen for a replacement"

Anyway the food gets delivered and sure enough the husband joins the 75% by dropping his spoon " As he bends down to pick it up and the waiter is replacing it on the table he notices the waiter has a piece of string hanging out of his trousers.

Being inquisitive he asks the waiter " Why have you a piece of string hanging out of your trousers ?" " Well " the waiter replies that same company said that if we tied a piece of string around our you know what we could save five hours a week on average in the toilet. when you want to go you pull your you know what out with the string and then you don't need to spend time washing and drying your hands "

"I understand that but excuse me but how do you get your you know what back inside you trousers ?" The waiter replies " Well I cannot speak for the rest of the waiters but personally I use a spoon!"
 
An old blacksmith realised he was soon going to quit working so hard and so he picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.

The old guy was bad tempered and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Sadly the town newspaper has an advert " Qualified Blacksmith required for thriving business..............."
 
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like, speaking English kills you, so stick in at school learn a foreign language.
 
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