jokes bad or otherwise.

A guy is having a drink with his mates . " You won't believe the day I had , my wife is in a cell at the Police station charged with assault ." The mates gasp "What!! " " Well" the guy replies " While I was in the Pub with you last night a burglar broke into my House , he's now in hospital with a broken jaw , ten teeth missing and two black eyes , appears she thought it was me coming home late again from the pub!"
 
A Young Woman, new born baby in arms , reluctantly walks into the local Butchers and announces to the Butcher that the baby is his child . The Butcher says he will move in with her but she says no . In response the Butcher says "Well you won't need to buy meat again I will provide you free meat until the boy reaches 16 "

Time passes and the boy is 16 tomorrow , he goes to the Butcher and says " Well I am 16 tomorrow." The Butcher says " I know , I have been counting the days off, here is the last parcel of meat , when you take it home please tell your Mum that this is the last parcel of meat and watch her face."

When the boy gets home he duly tells his Mum . " Son, go back and thank the Butcher but tell him I have also had free bread, fruit and milk for the last 16 years and watch his face!"
 
In a class the Teacher is talking to the Infants about words and letters . To help with the lesson she asks Jason to recite the alphabet out loud . After a slight pause Jason shouts out " ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO...QRSTUVWXYZ!" The teacher says " Well done Jason but where's the P?" " Sorry Miss it's running down my leg!!!" Jason replies.
 
"How was your week's skiing ?"...…………………..Different , 1 day skiing , 6 days hospital ! :eyesroll:
 
Bill Gates (CEO of Microsoft), Andy Grove(CEO of Intel) and Jerry Sanders (CEO of AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.

"Oh excuse me that's an urgent call coming through" Bill explains at which he puts his watch to his ear and starts talking to the end of his tie. After finishing the call he explains that his watch is the phone earpiece and the tie the microphone.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. "Oh excuse me that's an urgent call coming through" Andy explains. He then taps his earlobe and starts talking. After finishing the call he explains that he has his phones earpiece implanted in his earlobe and the microphone is in one of his teeth so he can just talk .

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry breaks wind extremely loudly. "Oh excuse me " Jerry says " Can someone get me some paper quickly I have an urgent fax coming through"
 
It's Christmas Eve and a Man is panicking what to buy his wife for Christmas so he dashes into the Lingerie Department of M &S and asks the assistant for a nice Bra for his wife . The lady promptly asks " What Type ? " "Type!!! There are more than one type? " Sir you can see the extent of our stock if you look around you."

Seeing the man panic the lady says " Well Sir there are really only three types , The Catholic , The Salvation Army and the Piers Morgan." Confused the Man asks "What's the difference?"

"Well" the lady replies " The Catholic type supports the masses , The Salvation Army type lifts up the Fallen " " And the Piers Morgan ??" the man asks. " Makes Mountains out of Molehills Sir ," the lady replies .
 
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse droppings all over her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse droppings from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
 
captain clutterbuck said:
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse droppings all over her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse droppings from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Click to expand...
Replace the 'old lady' with 'old man' and the other feminine references and it could be Compo.
 
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