jokes bad or otherwise.

A man's walking down the street, when he sees a sign next to a pub
- dog for sale, so he goes in. He sees the landlord playing chess
against a dog.
He is about to speak, when the dog picks up a piece in its mouth,
and checkmates the landlord.The man says "That was incredible, how
much do you want for him?"
The Landlord thinks for a moment, then says £5.The man is stunned
"How could you possibly not want more than five pounds for a dog that
can play chess!"
The landlord shrugs: "He cheats."
 
a man See's an advert in the paper "Talking Dog free to good home" being curious the man goes round to the house, the owner lets him in and the dogs lying by the fire. the man says "oh what a lovely looking dog, can he really talk?
"oh yes says the owner"
upon hearing this the dog gets up and looks at the man and says "oi I'm trying to have a kip here man"
To which the man looks at the dog and says " i can't believe you can talk"
"not only that, i can play chess, hold the world record for swimming backstroke, champion dog at cruffs not once but for 6 years running, I'm currently valued at £3 million and am much sort after for breeding purposes"
the man cant believe this dog is been given away for free and says to the owner
"why are you getting rid of this marvelous animal for free?"
"because", says the owner

"he's a bloody liar"
 
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
You've obviously never been scolded by alphabet soup.
 
I wanted to go to the Paranoids Anonymous meeting today but nobody
would tell me where it was!
 
Does anyone know how long you can leave a chicken in a freezer?
I put it in last night, and this morning it was dead...
 
We asked 100 people if they knew anyone who had actually ever been
surveyed for Family Fortunes.
100 people said "No".
 
My mate was forced to go to hospital the other day after an insect
bite
It was a real tick in the keith.
 
A man has been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
He claims he only intended to rough him up a bit.
 
My mate's just gone mental about the new exotic fruit section at Asda.
I told him to stop being so melondramatic.
 
The vet just diagnosed my dog with canine alopecia.
What am I going to do about hangovers now?!
 
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