jokes bad or otherwise.

Discussion in 'Lets Have some Summer Wine Fun' started by George, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Is a Thesaurus: A dinosaur named Roget with a big vocabulary?
     
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  2. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting.

    "He'll be deaf before he's 25," I said.

    "That won't help us," my wife replied. "He'll only turn it up."
     
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  3. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    I loaned £10,000 to my best friend to get plastic surgery. I haven't heard from him in nine months, and now I don't know what he looks like.
     
  4. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Nurse: "How old are you?"
    Patient: "None of your business."
    Nurse: "But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I'm going to find it out anyway."
    Patient: "Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?"
    Nurse: "Yes. Fifty."
    Patient: "All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?"
    Nurse: "Zero."
    Patient: "Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age."
     
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  5. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for.

    Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.

    This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.

    "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me.

    "Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother for Christmas."
     
  6. happyjack

    happyjack Well-Known Member

    A couple of Puns:
    Sign on Septic Tank Trunk.
    "Yesterday`s Meals on Wheels"

    O n a Plumbers Van:
    "We repair what your Husband fixed.

    On a No Smoking Area:
    If we see you smoke we will assume you are on fire, and will take appropriate action.
     
  7. captain clutterbuck

    captain clutterbuck Well-Known Member

    A mother is about to give birth at home and cannot make it to the hospital . As the Paramedics arrive to assist there is a power cut so as they are busy with the mother they ask her four year old daughter to hold a torch and point it at her mum which she does . In a matter of minutes the baby is born and one of the paramedics picks the baby up and smacks it on the bottom . The little girl then shouts "hit him again , he shouldn't have crawled up there " :08:
     
  8. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    Did you hear about the drunk dung beetle?

    He fell off his stool.
     
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  9. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What do you call a Spaniard who cant find his car ??.....................................Carlos .:rolling:
     
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  10. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    I had a dream about Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.
    I hope it doesn't happen too often, otherwise it might become a Hobbit.
     
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  11. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    It had been snowing in Iowa for hours when an announcement came over the University's intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin ploughing."

    Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
     
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  12. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.
     
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  13. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, he asked her the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

    The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my text?"
     
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  14. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    A little girl was in the kitchen watching her mother prepare for the following day's Christmas dinner.

    She asked, "Mommy, can I please have a cat for Christmas?"

    Her mommy replied, "No, you'll have turkey like the rest of us."
     
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  15. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Where do's a swimmer sit down for lunch ??............................At a pool table!:rolling:
     
  16. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What sort of sandals do frogs wear ??................................Open toad :08:
     
  17. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why do bees hum ?......................They don't know the words !:08:

    What do you call a bee born in May ??................................A maybe !:rolling:
     
  18. captain clutterbuck

    captain clutterbuck Well-Known Member

    I do hope this is not to offensive if it is I will delete it , the humour is implied not stated.

    A man walks into a bar with a large box . The Barman enquires "What's in the box" . The man retorts "Give me a beer and I will show you " . The Barman duly complies and the man opens the box and takes out a little man and a piano who begins to play. "That;s brilliant but how did you get it" the Barman asks . "Give me another beer and I will let you use my Genie's lamp , that's how I got it" . So the Barman gives him a beer and the Man takes the lamp out the box . The Barman rubs the lamp and the Genie appears asking the Barman his wish . " A million bucks please" the Barman asks . Seconds later the bar is invaded by lots of ducks flying around. " Hey what's this I asked for a million bucks!!" the Barman shouts . The Man replies " Do you think I asked for a twelve inch Pianist" :eek::eek::08:
     
  19. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Sock, sock ---------Shoes there ??;)
     
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  20. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    If athletes get athletes foot does that mean astronauts get mistletoe?
     

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