Discussion in 'Lets Have some Summer Wine Fun' started by George, Mar 6, 2010.
Is a Thesaurus: A dinosaur named Roget with a big vocabulary?
We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting.
"He'll be deaf before he's 25," I said.
"That won't help us," my wife replied. "He'll only turn it up."
I loaned £10,000 to my best friend to get plastic surgery. I haven't heard from him in nine months, and now I don't know what he looks like.
Nurse: "How old are you?"
Patient: "None of your business."
Nurse: "But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I'm going to find it out anyway."
Patient: "Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?"
Nurse: "Yes. Fifty."
Patient: "All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?"
Patient: "Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age."
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for.
Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.
This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother for Christmas."
A couple of Puns:
Sign on Septic Tank Trunk.
"Yesterday`s Meals on Wheels"
O n a Plumbers Van:
"We repair what your Husband fixed.
On a No Smoking Area:
If we see you smoke we will assume you are on fire, and will take appropriate action.
A mother is about to give birth at home and cannot make it to the hospital . As the Paramedics arrive to assist there is a power cut so as they are busy with the mother they ask her four year old daughter to hold a torch and point it at her mum which she does . In a matter of minutes the baby is born and one of the paramedics picks the baby up and smacks it on the bottom . The little girl then shouts "hit him again , he shouldn't have crawled up there "
Did you hear about the drunk dung beetle?
He fell off his stool.
What do you call a Spaniard who cant find his car ??.....................................Carlos .
I had a dream about Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.
I hope it doesn't happen too often, otherwise it might become a Hobbit.
It had been snowing in Iowa for hours when an announcement came over the University's intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin ploughing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, he asked her the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my text?"
A little girl was in the kitchen watching her mother prepare for the following day's Christmas dinner.
She asked, "Mommy, can I please have a cat for Christmas?"
Her mommy replied, "No, you'll have turkey like the rest of us."
Where do's a swimmer sit down for lunch ??............................At a pool table!
What sort of sandals do frogs wear ??................................Open toad
Why do bees hum ?......................They don't know the words !
What do you call a bee born in May ??................................A maybe !
I do hope this is not to offensive if it is I will delete it , the humour is implied not stated.
A man walks into a bar with a large box . The Barman enquires "What's in the box" . The man retorts "Give me a beer and I will show you " . The Barman duly complies and the man opens the box and takes out a little man and a piano who begins to play. "That;s brilliant but how did you get it" the Barman asks . "Give me another beer and I will let you use my Genie's lamp , that's how I got it" . So the Barman gives him a beer and the Man takes the lamp out the box . The Barman rubs the lamp and the Genie appears asking the Barman his wish . " A million bucks please" the Barman asks . Seconds later the bar is invaded by lots of ducks flying around. " Hey what's this I asked for a million bucks!!" the Barman shouts . The Man replies " Do you think I asked for a twelve inch Pianist"
Sock, sock ---------Shoes there ??
If athletes get athletes foot does that mean astronauts get mistletoe?
Separate names with a comma.