Best one liners

[Andrew D]

Earthquake detector man.to his wife....................." Have a walk round the town, annoy some shopkeepers, enjoy yourself !"

Her: (shrill voice) Don't forget who you're married to!!!!!
Him: How could I forget???

 

[Andrew D]

Wally: Before she'd marry me, I had to make myself more attractive....and, like a fool, I did!

 

[Andrew D]

Are you sure you've actually left the army, and not brought it with you?

 

[Andrew D]

Why don't you go sit down, Nora? You've been on your mouth all day!

 

[Andrew D]

Wally: Of course I'm listening...dammitall, I've had enough practice!

 

[dick]

NORA............How good's your hearing ??

WALLY..............What ?

 

[captain clutterbuck]

Nora ......... Is he in the Crowcroft Challenge as well

Pearl .......... You know if there's anything loopy he'll be there . I've warned him the first cat will have him !

 

[dick]

Speaking of cats............

Howard ........I can tell Pearl I'm on the roof checking the slates.

Truly..............We'll keep you safe from the neighbours cat !

 

[dick]

Cleggy...........................Whats the world done to you ??

Sweep .......................It went smokeless didn't it !

 

[dick]

After the four of them had rolled down hill in barrels ........................

Truly...........My left knee is saying "don't do that again!"
Alvin................What's your right knee saying ?

Truly..................Not a thing, I think its sulking !

 

[Andrew D]

You can't go hurting people's feelings; it's not as though he was a relative!

 

[captain clutterbuck]

Apologies this is not from the show but it could be Howard talking about Pearl or even given the dry wit of Cleggy he could say this about his wife . It's one of Les Dawson's I caught this morning on a show called the Interviews.

I met my wife in a Travel Agents , she was looking for a holiday .......................... and I was the Last Resort!

 

[daveb]

Compo, pointing to the ground: "Rabbit droppings!"
Clegg: "Well, fill your pockets kid, there's nobody looking."

 

[daveb]

As Compo removes the plastic from one of Sid’s meat pies Clegg tells him, “Don’t take the wrapping off, you’ll spoil the flavor.”

 

[daveb]

Compo: "These glasses are givin' me eyeballs a hernia."

 

[ferret]

Compo, pointing to the ground: "Rabbit droppings!"
Clegg: "Well, fill your pockets kid, there's nobody looking."

This one makes me laugh.....i can still picture Cleggy saying it as he furtively looks around.

 

[Adrian Morris]

A proper knot or not that's what you got.

 

[Adrian Morris]

I think it was a lorry.

 

[dick]

Next time you go for bicycle wheels, bring bicycle wheels !

 

[dick]

FOGGY ....... They said to me ..."Corporal, I'd like you to be best man at my wedding ! " CLEGGY.............."I wish I'd been best man at my wedding !"